circa 2000

feeling freaked out and that's why i'm here and that's why this exists and i hate what this all stands for.

i hate what this space of the damn internet means.

i hate that there's a constant reminder of who i really am like the constant reminder on my body.

this is starting to get ridiculous

waiting for the inevitable

why do i do it?

release release release

running out of body parts

what i want is so simple.
at least to me it seems so simple,
in my head.
the sad sad part that i always forget
and should
always remember is that
it's actually not simple at all.
and that is why it is so beautiful.
why can't this beauty be simple?
sometimes i hurt.

bubba.

Don't let them see you cry
When the dam breaks down and the city is covered in water
Cause I believe we fly
When the moon takes shape and I dose off, on your shoulders

I trust that you see it too

So breathe while you're alive
Let the big band play as you tap leather with your fingers
And I tried to write in style
But the words just come and I write them as soon as I see them

And I trust that you write them too
And I trust that you love me too 


manchester orchestra.

hoppipolla

Smiling
Spinning round and round
Holding hands
The whole world a blur
But you are standing

Soaked
Completely drenched
No rubber boots
Running inside us
Want to erupt from a shell

The Wind
An outdoor smell of your hair
I breathe as hard as I can
with my nose

Jump into puddles
With no boots on
Completely drenched(Soaked)
With no boots on

And I get a nosebleed
But I always stand up

And I get a nosebleed
But I always stand up


sigor ros.

pretending i don't exist.

i love what i cannot have. it's mindblowing.

"If you can think of times in your life that you’ve treated people with extraordinary decency and love, and pure uninterested concern, just because they were valuable as human beings. The ability to do that with ourselves.  To treat ourselves the way we would treat a really good, precious friend. Or a tiny child of ours that we absolutely loved more than life itself.  And I think it’s probably possible to achieve that.  I think part of the job we’re here for is to learn how to do it.  I know that sounds a little pious."
-- David Foster Wallace

dear god,


why did you make me this way?


please get back to me asap.


with love,
nicole.

i stopped waiting for you hours ago, but i still can't seem to sleep. it was the first time you said her name, and it burned into my retinas like a branding. i can still see it when i close my eyes.

i cried for you for the first time last night;
sober, that is.
for you? because of you? because i'm without you?
all of the above.
it's starting to spread throughout my body from the heart,
it's almost like a pain but a good pain
and now it's in my hips,
shoulder blades,
collar bone.
a constant ache.
i have convinced myself that i know the sound of you breathing,
and i play it in my ear, on my pillow.
and i don't want to cry.
i don't want to cry for something that is all in my head.

sometimes i

create for

myself a

reason to.

on me

in me

coming out

of me.

it must end.

it must end before i run out of room

and i become completely unlovable.

just one big spot of blood

dried on the skin of your hands

that you wash off with soap

and watch go down the drain.

i have watched myself go down the drain

countless times.

it kind of just sunk in that i will not be seeing you and i am torn, by the razor's edge of reality. i am the world's rage erupting up like flames lighting burning everything i touch. you are the tall cool glass of water autumns cold breeze every element that has the power to put me out. cool me down. make me real again. what am i when i'm real? it is so late and i can hear an animal outside my window screaming to the moon.

i am waiting for my headache to go away
it's been around
for three days now

i am waiting for beer to get here
my throats been dry since last saturday night

i am waiting for that feeling that i get
in my tummy
when my lips touch someone else's for the first time

i am waiting for money
to appear in my pocket
so i can get away and
spend it on cigarettes and
more beer

i am waiting to be seen in a light that is not tainted
i am waiting to be invisible
and i am waiting to grow up
and i am waiting for the day where i can look at my ribcage
and not want to cut it up
and i am waiting for the day i can stop feeling so bad
so bad
i am waiting and waiting
to waste away

i am home alone in this strange house and i am waiting for someone to come home. and as i pace i pretend it's you, coming home, to me. and that this is our house. i sit down on the couch, put my feet up. stare at the door. i stand, pace, walk to the kitchen. sit down, stand up. look out the window. it is so hot. and i pace the bare halls in my underwear. i sit once more and try to be so still thinking it will cool me down but i feel a layer of sweat form in and around my body. slowly a drip falls, trickles down my arm, i close my eyes and it's your finger, tracing me down to my elbow. and now you're on my neck, and my thigh. i open my eyes and see that it's just sweat, and that this is not our house. and you will not be walking through the front door.
i am so hot.
i walk to the fridge, there is no beer. i walk to the bedroom, you are not there. you are nowhere. so i sit and daydream of the day where you will walk in the front door, cold six pack in hand, smile, strip down to your underwear, sit, and sweat with me.

scar

[skahr]
-noun
1. a mark left by a healed wound, sore, or burn.
2. a lasting aftereffect of trouble, esp. a lasting psychological injury resulting from suffering or trauma.
3. any blemish remaining as a trace of or resulting from injury or use.
4. botany. a mark indicating a former point of attachment, as where a leaf has fallen from a stem.

i cant write no poem right
now
all i see is a blur
and a
light
shooting form the screen in front
and i dont even know what to
say
but i know i have to say
something
but thi sisnt gonna rhyme
and it sure
aint gononna
make no sense
but i know
i gotta do it
just to know
i tried?????

ugh

i don't quite know
how to say
how i feel
those three words
are said too much
they're not enough
if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me
and just forget the world?


snowpatrol.

hot water

i get up & sit in
the empty bathtub
the dry white acrylic feels cold &
hard on my bones
the pressure points
tailbone spine elbows
the heels of my feet
all in contact

i turn on the tap &
as i do i think of
you
your body
as the hot water
creeps down the borders towards me

it's sparks of heat
slowly outlining the
frame of my bare legs
i feel it
filling in the empty spaces
i'm surrounded
it's hot
& soon i bend my knees
& sink down
into you
until i am completely
submerged
all goes quiet
all goes still

it is the best comfort i know

the only thing i could do was fall.

i really wasn't breathing easy.

i actually felt pain,

physical

pain,

in my chest.

and i sat there

with my head down on my desk,

and the second i closed my eyes i saw it all.

all of it;

the room, the sheets, the books, the empty cups,

the ashtrays.

the rays of light,

coming in on a slant through the window

exposing the dust in the air,

exposing me.

my chest wont stop pounding,

i've been walking around all night

with shaking feet.

i've never been this lost,

i've never fallen this far,

for you my skin is see-through.

haha, yep.

feelin' the burn...

... it's been a while.

i dont have to update my blog anymore cause now... well now i just talk to you instead.

i

can't express how i feel either.

and i cry...

i feel like there is this mountain and it is sitting right in front of me and no matter where i turn it seems to follow my horizon and the mountain is fucking huge i'm talking millions of kilometers high and wide and it has been in front of me as long as i can remember but i have never thought of climbing it before and it's like now i think of climbing the damn thing to see what's on the other side and the second i decide to clamber myself up this mound of rock and dirt it's like it knows me and what i am thinking so it starts to shake and shake until i fall and it never lets me climb past two feet and all i want to fucking do is see what's on the other side of this godforsaken mountain and i could swear i see a speck of something at the very very very top and it looks like someone sitting there waiting and it kinda looks like you is it you?

how did you get there?

sometimes others say it best.

This is surrender
To a war-torn life I've lived.
Scars and stripes forever
In need of change I can't resist.


No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.


I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.


This long of a struggle
Finally opened up my eyes.
Revolution's not easy
With a Civil War on the inside.


No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.


I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
'Cause I realize.


I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.


I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
'Cause I realize.


I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.


I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.

so,

this one time
i was in the masai mara
and everything was still.
not a blade of grass shook,
not a bird flew,
and i stared at the horizon ahead.
miles and miles and miles and miles of sand, grass, dirt;
the sun was above me
and straight ahead it was black.

a drip of sweat rolled into
my eye.
i blink and it stings,
i barely breathe,
i blink again.

can you picture it?

i open my eyes,
and the thundering blackness was suddenly upon me and my sweat washed away and mixed with the rain and the sand rose up to greet my face and it was loud and messy and blinding and all the birds flocked to the sky with a whip of their wings and the sound, the sound was so hard, and the antelope darted towards the trees the branches cracked with the weight of the wind.
and i closed my eyes and felt the entire power of god upon me.
but i still don't believe.

895km

i have been destroyed
i am all over the
walls
my finger twitches
a consistent
tap
i can hear it from
the ceiling

no
but for real
i walk and
i talk
i drive my car
i sing along to
the radio
i smoke my cigarettes
i read
i smile and
laugh and
sit and cry
i eat and brush my teeth
i
kiss
his
lips

ya
but for real
i dont know how i do these
things
i am all over the walls
tapping
twitching
dripping

picture this
hair
strewn across the
floor
fingers on the floorboards
toes in the corner
legs arms ears eyes
heart blasted to
the stucco ceiling where
it drips as a constant
reminder that i
have been destroyed

i am a ghost
i am a shadow
you are seriously a hurricane in my soul

god

damn gusts of wind
they don't let
me light my cigarette.
my thumb is going raw
the flame
keeps blowing out,
and it makes
me fucking laugh.
all
i want to do is
feel the menthol in my lungs,
and i can't
stop
laughing
at this silly metaphor for my life.
my eyes are wet
and
the wind blows track marks
across my face.
they eventually dry.
the flame
finally
does its job,
i take one puff and put it out.
i walk inside start a bath make sure the water is warm i get in with my clothes on to smoke a cigarette where there is no wind and where i let my tears blend in with the tub.

i'm just a girl
a normal girl?

all this time i've thought i was a normal girl but now i must know i am not i am made to be alone i have sat in this chair over & over again forced to realize i am not supposed to be loved & my hair is falling out from the explosion that is brewing inside my head i can feel it burn my ears i know i've said this before & it all sounds so familiar but i
am
going
to
explode
ignite the fuse

& i'll go fall asleep in your arms.

i don't want to say any words at all...

do you see the stars that

are falling?

they're falling for us.

because

they know what we dont know.

i blinked so many

times 

these past few days

just to see you

in the darkness

just to hope that maybe you'd actually appear

in that chair

under that window

on that other side.
i must have seen it a million times.

and the stars keep falling because my eyes keep blinking and they want to make sure i dont miss a thing they are reminding me that you are still seeing the same sky and watching the same stars just not near me and if i just stop blinking for a second i could send a message to you on that star so when it falls on the other side of the sky you will see it and know i exist and am waiting for my hand to be held because i need it right now and i dont know where else to go and i keep seeing you right around the corner but its not and 

i am holding back the biggest scream ever known to man.

i thought i was hiding it well

i guess i'm not.

the continual condition.

all up and down the avenues
the people are in pain;
they sleep in pain, they awaken
in pain;
even the buildings are in pain,
the bridges,
the flowers are in pain
and there is nothing
going to
release it,
release us;
pain sits, pain floats, pain
waits;
pain is.

the music is bad
and the love
and the script

in this place now
as i type this

or as you read this
in your place now.


CB.

real.

is there such thing as angels?
cause i think i just found mine.


i believe it's real.

ps; i am a secret here.

shhh...

i drew you a picture

i may show you one day.

you are wonderful.

I WANT TO SEE YOU.

&

my ears are ringing.

and just when i thought i was fine
my heart starts beating fast
and my head gets cloudy
it expands
and i feel like i can't stand up
and this is all in a bad way
these are not the feelings of love
this is pure undying unforgiving unnatural [natural?] feelings
of
something i can't quite put my finger on
is it hate for you, or for me?
is it fear?
is it ever gonna go away?
or is it just going to get worse with time?

but all i want to do is just walk and keep on walking

in time

something will come out of this
something will come out of me and you will be amazed

avalanche. noun. falling large mass; sudden rush of large quantity.

it is a common belief and dream of many, young and old,

that if all we could do was fly

life would be better

but i on the other hand

fly all the time

and my only hope and wish is to land

to experience that ending

to feel the grass in the cracks of my toes

to know that i have made it somewhere

the clouds make me sick

that feeling in my stomach is getting old

to be on the ground

oh... to be on the ground

i have feelings about my head

they are feelings that make me feel like my head isn't a head at all

tricks and twists and flips of the brain

that never make sense

and send me flying

i think it's about time i get a life
i think it's about time i get some friends
i think it's about time for a lot of things...

if i had known that that day would haunt me forever i still would have done what i did because even though your eyes and your cries are burnt like a brand on my brain i had the power for once for once i was bigger and stronger and tougher yet my skin still slices like a knife to the neck when i think of

i feel so sick, so sick to my stomach.

tired & uninspired.

as she walks & sinks with each step into the sand she can see the waves rolling, rolling towards her toes &


!

it's cold very cold it's freezing in fact, it's turning her toes blue & chattering her teeth & raising each hair on her crossed arms. she stands there, looking out across the water letting the cold of the ocean & the heat of the sun mix together to create a comfortable temperature taking a seat on a rock high enough to keep her dry she lights a cigarette & takes a swig from her flask.
the pocket flask; genius.


"i am thinking about you right now & wondering where you are. i send happiness your way every day. in no way do i love you but in every way i hope you are loved. i hope you are loved the way i know i could love you, if such circumstances were attainable. i want to tell you right now that the sun is at its most beautiful state & the ocean is emitting the most calming sound & the wind is creating the most soothing breeze & i wish you could see it hear it feel it with me. it must be so different where you sit, on that other side of the ocean. sometimes i just --




she hears his footsteps slams the book shut tosses the pencil to its demise & takes a glance over her shoulder sure enough there's his smile his gorgeous eyes and he's running towards her she instantly feels her own smile spread across her face runs through the water splashing slipping falling to greet him and soon she's under water it's cold very cold it's freezing in fact & it's turning her whole body blue her throat lungs eyes ears are shrieking freezing filling with water


the flask slipped from her hand the book submerged in sand the words wiped away from the page nothing remained & it all must end this way it all must end in pain it's just the way it is the way i think dream wonder this is all just?

i...

i'm miles from where you are,
i lay down on the cold ground

i, i pray that something picks me up
& sets me down in your warm arms

oh how i hate these moods...

i need a good cry.

.

i cant believe this routine
of nothingness
i need to make my life happen
i am getting older every day
i dont know how much longer i can go on
what is happening?
what am i supposed to be doing?
what am i not doing?
ahh

OH LIFE

you continue to abuse me...

a wise man once told me...

"self improvement is a never ending and imperative task."

what matters most is how well you walk through the fire.

it was the summer of burns

not sunburns

the hallways were thin 
the apartment was small and buzzing with wannabe hipsters

the room spun with the toss of my hair 
the sway of my hips and the flick of my ash

squeeze

sucking my belly in pushing myself against the wall 
as if it made a difference to passers by

squished

cigarettes made contact with skin

more specifically, my chin

[this is not a lie just to rhyme it actually happened]

and in this distracted instant

he whispered in my ear

touched my ass

winked

i never forgot that moment

even when it all came crashing down and i screamed his name with hate

even when fists were thrown and voices were raised in accusation

[.................................]

it was the summer of hell

fire

lies

and love

i have the scars to prove it

i

picture you perfect everytime.

everything that rises must converge.

i've been sitting here for days
thinking about the ways
i have hurt you
and the way you'd cry
and i didnt even try
to understand
i numbed myself
with bottles off the shelf
so i'd forget
just to feel it now
just to feel it now
i feel it now


i shouldnt be allowed to feel love

i

feel like digging a hole. i'd like to see how far down i get and maybe i'll dig a really deep hole that i can jump in. just a one person hole. where i'll sit and look up at the circular walls surrounding me spiraling up to the moonlit sky. [i prefer a moonlit sky when describing this type of setting] it will be dark and dingy and muddy but i'll be where i need to be. this is where i think and dream and wonder. this is where i thrive. the hole represents my wanting to be alone. yet the moon represents that i am not, in fact, alone; and that i like it that way. i think i will always like it that way and it confuses me. sometimes i wonder what happened in my childhood to make me need, that, moon, in my sky. 


sometimes i wish i was different.

i

just woke up from a dream.

you were in it.

you were real?

i hate this feeling of knowing.

and not knowing.

and wondering.

and now i miss you,

come back anytime.

i

have been sitting in my room for the past three and a half days, only leaving with layer upon layer of clothing on my body, a scarf around the neck, to smoke the occasional cigarette. i have been staring at the computer screen. i have been staring at words on a page. i have been eating mike & ikes.

jealous?

m. a.

"nolite te bastardes carborundorum."

hah

listography

i like looking back at lists i used to make and feeling happy that nothing in those lists matter to me now.

i'm free

[feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take
reminding us how far we've come
let the pain burn away from our hearts
we have time to start all over again

feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take
reminding us how far we've come
let the pain burn away from our hearts
we have time to start all over again

feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take
reminding us how far we've come
let the pain burn away from our hearts
we have time to start all over again

well if you would shine your love down here oh
make our hearts as perfect as new
oh if you would shine your love down here oh
i promise i'll reflect it right back at you
oh i promise i'll reflect it right back at you
oh i promise we'll reflect it right back at you]




copeland

:]

smile today

is it gonna be like, staring at a black screen?

death is a very real thing
i am old enough to know that by now
but every time it creeps itself
closer to my heart
i get stuck
it's like i am standing there
everyone & everything around me
is spinning
& moving
but i am not
and my throat clenches and i get scared
seriously scared of not being
anymore
& i wonder what people think
when they know they are at that point
that at any second
they will breathe their last breath
& the world will go on
it's just too easy to say
''death doesn't scare me!''
i am not that strong

they show in the movies
an old soul
breathing slowly & painfully
& they say
''i have lived so long that i am now ready, to die.''
it makes me shudder
i don't think i will ever be able to say that
i hate that it scares me
the nothingness

:\

i really wish some people didnt exist
i really wish some things never happened
i really wish i would stop wishing and just live

urg

i dont know why
but i
need cheering up

]bangbang[

i had dreams of different people different things different places but i have to just live with what where and who i am right now no more thinking of the past and what i used to think and do and wishing i could go back and make it worthwhile everything i did seems like a waste because of what i am now

i want to shoot guns into the air by the shore of an ocean hear the bang feel the power smell the salt in the air and just shoot shoot shoot till my barrel is empty then i'll refill and shoot some more and while i shoot the waves will roll up and hit my ankles and soften the sand and my weight combined with those two things will sink me down down down into the shoreline where i will stand forever with my guns and bullets and maybe someone eventually will hear my call the bang of my gun and come stand beside me

life & shit

the truth will tell in due time
will i fade away?
i'd hate to fade.
give me comfort
the warm graze
of your fingers
through my hair
no ones ever grazed my hair like you do
i feel a war
between my heart & mind
it's starting
i hear the trampling of the feet of masses
the click of the safety on a gun
when will
the first shot
be fired?

eye

i cant even keep my eyes open
i'm so tired
all the time
every day
dont wanna get up
just want to sleep
& dream
meet me there

ugh

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry.
i'm sorry for trying to make myself happy.
i'm sorry that you're not strong enough to deal with that.
i'm sorry i ever let you own me.
i'm sorry that i'm really, not, sorry.

!

i feel really
really
fucked up

i'm listening

it's like i can see the horizon in front of me i can see the horizon so well that i can feel it i can taste it it is right there. but i cannot hear it. i cannot hear you. i am listening i am trying so hard to hear the waves rolling the wind blowing the breeze calling my name and telling me to just breathe. i cannot hear it. the calming sounds of the future the horizon that's in front of me is silent. or i am deaf. i cannot figure out what it is. all i know is that i am listening and i hear nothing. no one. so my breath is short my heart is fast and if i could just hear the sounds of peace i could be fine. i am trying to be fine.

o_O

it is truly amazing
the
words that can be said
from human to human
without a flinch
and with the wrong
human
on the other end
words can tear
& break
& gnaw at the heart
i am truly glad
that
i am strong enough
although i am truly sad
that
you exist

"

i taste the blood on my tongue
from biting it for far too long
the taste of iron
is becoming
unpleasant
& any day now
it'll all come out
and you are gonna taste it too
in your face
in your veins
and i hope
it hurts
you
are
scum

that secret that you know

if i was a super hero there would be
no such thing as loss
& with a flick of my finger
no one lonely
including me

the night sky seems to roll in
over me
faster & faster each day
forcing me to dream
although i cant...
because of the ever flowing stream of thoughts floating in and out of my brain like why cant everyone just get along and why is there always drama centered around my life when is it going to stop. i need warmth cause i'm shivering. i need new life. when i was fourteen i used to dream of being older because i felt like i was this older person, stuck in a young persons body. i remember thinking how much better things will be once i'm older i'll be doing older people things and have older people friends that make older people decisions and i'll be making older people decisions. boy was i fucking wrong. please take me back rewind the tape back up the truck reverse the clock however you want to put it being older fucking sucks. i was so fortunate back then being the older person in the young persons body i had such an advantage no one else did except now i am still there, where i was, nothings changed. i am only fooling myself i am struggling and cannot admit that to myself. please let this be the last leg of the race there's only so much my heart can take and i swear to god if i mess up one more time i'll never trust myself. that's alot of 'myselfs'. me me me me me. i am not a super hero if i was a super hero there would be no such thing as this this shit and

and i said i know it well

today when i was driving i noticed an ambulance with it's lights flashing sitting outside of an old aged home and i knew someone was dead inside and it made me feel weird.

misguided ghosts

i've always been that hopeless
[hopeful?]
romantic
i believe in love
& i love so easily
& i love that i love so easily
[scratch that, i'm torn]
i thought i found it
i thought i could see
but all it was
was a destroyer of myself
i let it strip me for all that i am
i gave it control
in the worst possible way
and now
i resemble
a machine that's been on standby


it's out of character,
i know,
but i am scared of the future
what if i am searching
for the self i thought i lost
and never find it again?


i'm on the side of the road
i'm kicking pebbles with my toe
i'm looking up at the sky
i need to get off standby
grab your jumper cables
i need a boost

:]

i hope this is for real

i hope this lasts

electric

i want to be
a blank canvas


with the paintbrush
in your hand


i want to feel
out of control


of what i will
become


i want to feel
the paint sink in


sink your paint
into me




i've been sitting like a hunchback for too long.

i want

money
film
new shoes
a haircut
new tattoo
success
happiness
you

:[

fall fell fast,
i'm shivering.
wind blowing strong,
i'm floating.
up and upside down,
circling the trees,
as they lose their leaves.
breaking branches;
my body is.

i'm just sitting on the shelf.

i wake
& your face
is my sunrise;
shining out
from the horizon that is
our pillow.

she&him

i am feeling under the weather
cause the weather is under
me.

here comes the winter
and another chapter
of cold thoughts and cold limbs
lets hope someone will keep me warm.

wow

i havent used this in years...
i feel like i have time to get back into it and that excites me cause i've always loved it.

:)

it's my birthday,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
nineteen bitches.

yeah i'm working, on weekends, i need to get paid.

lomos

god is nowhere; god is now here.
god is nowhere; god is now here.

carlys bday

so today was carlys first birthday party!
it was so awesome.
look at the PICTURES, i demand you.

xo,
nicole.


oh, and if babys arent your "thing", here's some what the funk pictures.

hey guys;


so i'm pretty much really sorry i haven't emailed any of you!! [you know who you are.]
i have literally no time for the computer these days.
this is the extent to what my computer times gets to.
just thought i'd say i still love and miss you all, drop me a line and i'll try to get you back!
can't wait to see you guys over christmas.

xo,
nicole.

who needs a computer when you got a typewriter?

stuff

busy, busy, bee!

there's always something in my eye but i can handle it. there's always something in my mind and i can take it. there's always something in my heart and i can feel it. there's always something there, keeping me, from falling apart. keeping me, feeling alive. whether it hurts or not i thank it everyday. thank it for not letting me forget; that i am living, breathing, changing, making change. the world turns and i turn along with it. the moon follows the sun, or, the sun follows the moon; whichever way you think about it, they are still turning. turning the pages of the calendar where we keep track of our days. when a calendar expires you can just buy a new one. but you cannot buy a new day, a new week, a new month, a new year. take them and feel them for what they are. feel the pain, but don't forget the pleasure.


ps; i did promo shots for Tami Neilson, and here they ARE!
let me know what you think,
xo.

pb&j

everyday

when i go outside i am freezing
when i go inside i am freezing
this happens everyday

because my head is like an open sky
a cold open sky
that keeps me chilled

and when i look up
i do a double take
i never see what i want to see
i never hear what i want to hear

so i double take
and i double take again
i guess that would equal a triple take

but whatever you want to call it
in the end it does not matter

because the vision my eyes give me
equals a blurry type of scene
and i cannot seem to focalize
what it is that would set me free

oh, and this happens everyday
although i cannot tell what day it is

there is no difference between daytime and nighttime
because all there is is gray
i call it graytime

it is fall
it is autumn
like this like that

and this sky is spinning
dropping leaves to the ground
leaving me dizzy

leaving me covered
but leaving me cold...


edit:

..

i'm hardly on the computer anymore...



wheels up
i got to leave this evening
can't seem to shake these vultures
off of my trail
power is made, by power being taken
so I keep on running
to protect my situation



if you do anything this week,
check out this cd, it owns my life...

that's pretty it boys & girls,
oh and ps; i'm not vain, i just take pictures...

xo,
nicole.


EDIT:

i'm really happy, it's almost nerdy. i just love the way things are going lately. this cd is seriously something good in my life right now, and i know that sounds so lame. but i'm acutally bouncing up and down listening to it right now, and i've been listening to it for at least an hour and a half now. work is good, friends are good, time is well spent i would like to think. i'm glad i took this year off to relax and live like i should be right now. i'm eighteen, and although i like to think i'm older than my birth certificate claims [i feel like that all the time], i'm still eighteen, and i shouldnt be out worrying about one decision i make that changes the rest of my future. right now my future is seeing the black dhalia later tonight, and sleeping in tomorrow on my day off. and that's what i like right now. it's enjoyable. although sometimes i do feel trapped and i wish i could get out and maybe live soemwhere else and do different things, i know i'm content where i am right now.
and THAT'S what i'm going for, and that's what i got. and i'm leaving now, peace&love.

suppose this was all just an illusion!






everything. the roads we walk on the people we talk to the things we buy because we think we need them. we think we need so many things just to live. suppose one day we wake up and all of this is gone; none of us would survive. i know i wouldn't. everything we do during the day, all the exchanging of money and the trading of merchandise, it just goes from one pair of hands to the other. that is all it is. one big fucking circle of nothing. what would happen if everything just stopped? if all the money and fabrication were one big illusion and instead we gave pieces of ourselves from one hand to the other. we could benefit from each other so much more than we do now.

i want to know the whole world. i want to have fragments of me in all the places where i'm not, i want to take something of myself and put it in someone elses hands. i will give to them and they will give to me and then i'll know that i'm not missing out on anything. we can do so much with our hands and yet we use them so casually.

i know i am a victim of illusion. in fact i am an illusionist myself. tomorrow is another day of going through the motions...

dying

who's gonna watch me die?

i just burnt my tongue on tea. it's two thirty eight in the morning and i am burning my tongue on tea. for two days straight i have watched the full first season of House on dvd. i don't know if it has made me miserable or happy, but i AM addicted to that show regardless. on the way to work i heard the song Sarah Says by Death Cab and i forgot about how fucking awesome it is. me and the song had a moment. but then i thought about the fact that every episode in House deals with someone dying and i'm pretty much watching the hardest thing that could ever happen in someones life, over and over and over again. but it's on tv. but it actually happens. and the song is about watching someone die, and how love is watching someone die. and then i realized that i've never really had a close experience with someone dying. i've had people that i love around me die, but i've never watched someone die. and then i think about the line, love is watching someone die. well fuck, i never want to watch someone die. and fuck, i never want to watch someone that i love die.

listen to that song and have a moment with it like i did.

"it stung like a violent wind; that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds."

the eleventh tuesday

"in the beginning of life, when we are infants, we need others to survive, right?
and at the end of life, when you get like me, you need others to survive, right?"

his voice dropped to a whisper.
"but here's the secret: in between, we need others as well."

-tuesdays with morrie

so i've been so busy and when i'm not busy i feel rushed or i am reading, so that is why i have been posting so many excerpts from books lately! but i love them, and the books they came from. so read!
i didnt sleep at all last night and this morning i had to be ready real early to take care of my baby girl! we had a sweet time. there are more picture of her adorableness [here] :D
now that i am working full time and people will be going to school soon i plan on painting more and writing more and of course, trying to get as many photo opportunities as possible.

peace & love,
NICOLE!

ps; has anyone lost a poker chip?

velocity

"But the Jumping People left this message on the cliff above their village, carved it in for the conquistadors. This basically turned into the motto of the Jumping People, even though i don't think it makes all that much sense. I mean, it does and it doesn't. There was another American scholar who polished the words, i guess, a guy at the University of Chicago, so at least it sounds like something you'd carve on a cliff over a village under siege, so your invaders would see it after you've left."

"Give me the fucking message."

Hand took a breath and opened his palms, as if accepting the gift of rain. "YOU SHALL KNOW OUR VELOCITY!" he bellowed into the cold exhausted city.

-Eggers

hanging on

click on the picture?

i keep telling myself this is good, this is right, this is what it's supposed to be like. every night, i see the moon, and i watch it evolve; from sliver to full. and it shines on me, i bask in its rays. from the car from the grass from the parking lot. moontanning.

let's just live and keep on living, no more sleeping. lights lights lights lights keep them on. or keep them off but don't close your eyes. it's never fun to miss the sunrise. i'm going to whisper a secret into a baggie and give it to you, sealed shut. don't tell anyone!

"I've got a heartache
Don't wanna think about it"

merrrcy

EIGHT

in the eyes of men he falls, and in his own eyes too. he falls from his high place, he trips on his achievement. he falls to you, he falls to know you. it is sad, they say. see his disgrace, say the ones at his heel. but he falls radiantly toward the light to which he falls. they cannot see who lifts him as he falls, or how his falling changes, and he himself bewildered till his heart cries out to bless the one who holds him in his falling. and in his fall he hears his heart cry out, his heart explains why he is falling, why he had to fall, and he gives over to the fall. blessed are you, clasp of the falling. he falls into the sky, he falls into the light, none can hurt him as he falls. blessed are you, shield of the falling. wrapped in his fall, concealed within his fall, he finds the place, he is gathered in. while his hair streams back, and his clothes tear in the wind, he is held up, comforted, he enters into the place of his fall. blessed are you, embrace of the falling, foundation of the light, master of the human accident.


-Book of Mercy, Leonard Cohen


everyone needs to read this book!
let me know if you want to borrow it. :)

..., i get bored.

tat

today:

eric

new

both

HOLY SHIT

my bruises, from brand new


me and carly bear!


hahha crazy head


yeah, we rule


hotties!

so pretty much, if you ever come to my house, DON'T FORGET to remind me to take a picture with you, with my dads new computer. cause its jokes and i love it. haha.

other than that... i've been having lots of fun. working, hanging out with aaron and tori, and josh and mack, skateboarding, watching movies, taking pictures, listening to music, going to the beach, running in the rain, drinking lots of starbucks...

and, i went to Brand New last night!:

and saw mark and michael. it was good times! but like i said earlier, i got lots of bruises, and i am in pain. but i deal. and, i also made a painting the other week when i was bored at home:

it's a summer painting. i think it's pretty decent.
now i'm just pumped for what's to come. warped tour! maybe some other shows... pretty much just doing MORE of what i've been doing the past few months, cause it's been pretty friggen sweet. time to go eat! i'm peacin' out.

here's some Against Me! lyrics:

song lyrics sung at the top of our lungs so desperately
like i believe in a power that is of and by the people
i believe in an art that cannot be compromised
i believe all will endure, and all will overcome
and i will sing it until i no longer remember the reason
what was the reason?

love!