what i want is so simple.
at least to me it seems so simple,
in my head.
the sad sad part that i always forget
and should
always remember is that
it's actually not simple at all.
and that is why it is so beautiful.
why can't this beauty be simple?
sometimes i hurt.

bubba.

Don't let them see you cry
When the dam breaks down and the city is covered in water
Cause I believe we fly
When the moon takes shape and I dose off, on your shoulders

I trust that you see it too

So breathe while you're alive
Let the big band play as you tap leather with your fingers
And I tried to write in style
But the words just come and I write them as soon as I see them

And I trust that you write them too
And I trust that you love me too 


manchester orchestra.

hoppipolla

Smiling
Spinning round and round
Holding hands
The whole world a blur
But you are standing

Soaked
Completely drenched
No rubber boots
Running inside us
Want to erupt from a shell

The Wind
An outdoor smell of your hair
I breathe as hard as I can
with my nose

Jump into puddles
With no boots on
Completely drenched(Soaked)
With no boots on

And I get a nosebleed
But I always stand up

And I get a nosebleed
But I always stand up


sigor ros.

pretending i don't exist.

i love what i cannot have. it's mindblowing.

"If you can think of times in your life that you’ve treated people with extraordinary decency and love, and pure uninterested concern, just because they were valuable as human beings. The ability to do that with ourselves.  To treat ourselves the way we would treat a really good, precious friend. Or a tiny child of ours that we absolutely loved more than life itself.  And I think it’s probably possible to achieve that.  I think part of the job we’re here for is to learn how to do it.  I know that sounds a little pious."
-- David Foster Wallace

dear god,


why did you make me this way?


please get back to me asap.


with love,
nicole.

i stopped waiting for you hours ago, but i still can't seem to sleep. it was the first time you said her name, and it burned into my retinas like a branding. i can still see it when i close my eyes.

i cried for you for the first time last night;
sober, that is.
for you? because of you? because i'm without you?
all of the above.
it's starting to spread throughout my body from the heart,
it's almost like a pain but a good pain
and now it's in my hips,
shoulder blades,
collar bone.
a constant ache.
i have convinced myself that i know the sound of you breathing,
and i play it in my ear, on my pillow.
and i don't want to cry.
i don't want to cry for something that is all in my head.

sometimes i

create for

myself a

reason to.

on me

in me

coming out

of me.

it must end.

it must end before i run out of room

and i become completely unlovable.

just one big spot of blood

dried on the skin of your hands

that you wash off with soap

and watch go down the drain.

i have watched myself go down the drain

countless times.

it kind of just sunk in that i will not be seeing you and i am torn, by the razor's edge of reality. i am the world's rage erupting up like flames lighting burning everything i touch. you are the tall cool glass of water autumns cold breeze every element that has the power to put me out. cool me down. make me real again. what am i when i'm real? it is so late and i can hear an animal outside my window screaming to the moon.

i am waiting for my headache to go away
it's been around
for three days now

i am waiting for beer to get here
my throats been dry since last saturday night

i am waiting for that feeling that i get
in my tummy
when my lips touch someone else's for the first time

i am waiting for money
to appear in my pocket
so i can get away and
spend it on cigarettes and
more beer

i am waiting to be seen in a light that is not tainted
i am waiting to be invisible
and i am waiting to grow up
and i am waiting for the day where i can look at my ribcage
and not want to cut it up
and i am waiting for the day i can stop feeling so bad
so bad
i am waiting and waiting
to waste away

i am home alone in this strange house and i am waiting for someone to come home. and as i pace i pretend it's you, coming home, to me. and that this is our house. i sit down on the couch, put my feet up. stare at the door. i stand, pace, walk to the kitchen. sit down, stand up. look out the window. it is so hot. and i pace the bare halls in my underwear. i sit once more and try to be so still thinking it will cool me down but i feel a layer of sweat form in and around my body. slowly a drip falls, trickles down my arm, i close my eyes and it's your finger, tracing me down to my elbow. and now you're on my neck, and my thigh. i open my eyes and see that it's just sweat, and that this is not our house. and you will not be walking through the front door.
i am so hot.
i walk to the fridge, there is no beer. i walk to the bedroom, you are not there. you are nowhere. so i sit and daydream of the day where you will walk in the front door, cold six pack in hand, smile, strip down to your underwear, sit, and sweat with me.

scar

[skahr]
-noun
1. a mark left by a healed wound, sore, or burn.
2. a lasting aftereffect of trouble, esp. a lasting psychological injury resulting from suffering or trauma.
3. any blemish remaining as a trace of or resulting from injury or use.
4. botany. a mark indicating a former point of attachment, as where a leaf has fallen from a stem.

i cant write no poem right
now
all i see is a blur
and a
light
shooting form the screen in front
and i dont even know what to
say
but i know i have to say
something
but thi sisnt gonna rhyme
and it sure
aint gononna
make no sense
but i know
i gotta do it
just to know
i tried?????

ugh

i don't quite know
how to say
how i feel
those three words
are said too much
they're not enough
if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me
and just forget the world?


snowpatrol.

hot water

i get up & sit in
the empty bathtub
the dry white acrylic feels cold &
hard on my bones
the pressure points
tailbone spine elbows
the heels of my feet
all in contact

i turn on the tap &
as i do i think of
you
your body
as the hot water
creeps down the borders towards me

it's sparks of heat
slowly outlining the
frame of my bare legs
i feel it
filling in the empty spaces
i'm surrounded
it's hot
& soon i bend my knees
& sink down
into you
until i am completely
submerged
all goes quiet
all goes still

it is the best comfort i know

the only thing i could do was fall.

i really wasn't breathing easy.

i actually felt pain,

physical

pain,

in my chest.

and i sat there

with my head down on my desk,

and the second i closed my eyes i saw it all.

all of it;

the room, the sheets, the books, the empty cups,

the ashtrays.

the rays of light,

coming in on a slant through the window

exposing the dust in the air,

exposing me.

my chest wont stop pounding,

i've been walking around all night

with shaking feet.

i've never been this lost,

i've never fallen this far,

for you my skin is see-through.

haha, yep.

feelin' the burn...

... it's been a while.

i dont have to update my blog anymore cause now... well now i just talk to you instead.

i

can't express how i feel either.

and i cry...

i feel like there is this mountain and it is sitting right in front of me and no matter where i turn it seems to follow my horizon and the mountain is fucking huge i'm talking millions of kilometers high and wide and it has been in front of me as long as i can remember but i have never thought of climbing it before and it's like now i think of climbing the damn thing to see what's on the other side and the second i decide to clamber myself up this mound of rock and dirt it's like it knows me and what i am thinking so it starts to shake and shake until i fall and it never lets me climb past two feet and all i want to fucking do is see what's on the other side of this godforsaken mountain and i could swear i see a speck of something at the very very very top and it looks like someone sitting there waiting and it kinda looks like you is it you?

how did you get there?

sometimes others say it best.

This is surrender
To a war-torn life I've lived.
Scars and stripes forever
In need of change I can't resist.


No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.


I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.


This long of a struggle
Finally opened up my eyes.
Revolution's not easy
With a Civil War on the inside.


No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.


I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
'Cause I realize.


I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.


I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
'Cause I realize.


I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.


I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.

so,

this one time
i was in the masai mara
and everything was still.
not a blade of grass shook,
not a bird flew,
and i stared at the horizon ahead.
miles and miles and miles and miles of sand, grass, dirt;
the sun was above me
and straight ahead it was black.

a drip of sweat rolled into
my eye.
i blink and it stings,
i barely breathe,
i blink again.

can you picture it?

i open my eyes,
and the thundering blackness was suddenly upon me and my sweat washed away and mixed with the rain and the sand rose up to greet my face and it was loud and messy and blinding and all the birds flocked to the sky with a whip of their wings and the sound, the sound was so hard, and the antelope darted towards the trees the branches cracked with the weight of the wind.
and i closed my eyes and felt the entire power of god upon me.
but i still don't believe.

895km

i have been destroyed
i am all over the
walls
my finger twitches
a consistent
tap
i can hear it from
the ceiling

no
but for real
i walk and
i talk
i drive my car
i sing along to
the radio
i smoke my cigarettes
i read
i smile and
laugh and
sit and cry
i eat and brush my teeth
i
kiss
his
lips

ya
but for real
i dont know how i do these
things
i am all over the walls
tapping
twitching
dripping

picture this
hair
strewn across the
floor
fingers on the floorboards
toes in the corner
legs arms ears eyes
heart blasted to
the stucco ceiling where
it drips as a constant
reminder that i
have been destroyed

i am a ghost
i am a shadow
you are seriously a hurricane in my soul

god

damn gusts of wind
they don't let
me light my cigarette.
my thumb is going raw
the flame
keeps blowing out,
and it makes
me fucking laugh.
all
i want to do is
feel the menthol in my lungs,
and i can't
stop
laughing
at this silly metaphor for my life.
my eyes are wet
and
the wind blows track marks
across my face.
they eventually dry.
the flame
finally
does its job,
i take one puff and put it out.
i walk inside start a bath make sure the water is warm i get in with my clothes on to smoke a cigarette where there is no wind and where i let my tears blend in with the tub.

i'm just a girl
a normal girl?

all this time i've thought i was a normal girl but now i must know i am not i am made to be alone i have sat in this chair over & over again forced to realize i am not supposed to be loved & my hair is falling out from the explosion that is brewing inside my head i can feel it burn my ears i know i've said this before & it all sounds so familiar but i
am
going
to
explode
ignite the fuse

& i'll go fall asleep in your arms.

i don't want to say any words at all...

do you see the stars that

are falling?

they're falling for us.

because

they know what we dont know.

i blinked so many

times 

these past few days

just to see you

in the darkness

just to hope that maybe you'd actually appear

in that chair

under that window

on that other side.
i must have seen it a million times.

and the stars keep falling because my eyes keep blinking and they want to make sure i dont miss a thing they are reminding me that you are still seeing the same sky and watching the same stars just not near me and if i just stop blinking for a second i could send a message to you on that star so when it falls on the other side of the sky you will see it and know i exist and am waiting for my hand to be held because i need it right now and i dont know where else to go and i keep seeing you right around the corner but its not and 

i am holding back the biggest scream ever known to man.

i thought i was hiding it well

i guess i'm not.

the continual condition.

all up and down the avenues
the people are in pain;
they sleep in pain, they awaken
in pain;
even the buildings are in pain,
the bridges,
the flowers are in pain
and there is nothing
going to
release it,
release us;
pain sits, pain floats, pain
waits;
pain is.

the music is bad
and the love
and the script

in this place now
as i type this

or as you read this
in your place now.


CB.

real.

is there such thing as angels?
cause i think i just found mine.


i believe it's real.

ps; i am a secret here.

shhh...

i drew you a picture

i may show you one day.

you are wonderful.

I WANT TO SEE YOU.

&

my ears are ringing.

and just when i thought i was fine
my heart starts beating fast
and my head gets cloudy
it expands
and i feel like i can't stand up
and this is all in a bad way
these are not the feelings of love
this is pure undying unforgiving unnatural [natural?] feelings
of
something i can't quite put my finger on
is it hate for you, or for me?
is it fear?
is it ever gonna go away?
or is it just going to get worse with time?

but all i want to do is just walk and keep on walking

in time

something will come out of this
something will come out of me and you will be amazed

avalanche. noun. falling large mass; sudden rush of large quantity.

it is a common belief and dream of many, young and old,

that if all we could do was fly

life would be better

but i on the other hand

fly all the time

and my only hope and wish is to land

to experience that ending

to feel the grass in the cracks of my toes

to know that i have made it somewhere

the clouds make me sick

that feeling in my stomach is getting old

to be on the ground

oh... to be on the ground

i have feelings about my head

they are feelings that make me feel like my head isn't a head at all

tricks and twists and flips of the brain

that never make sense

and send me flying

i think it's about time i get a life
i think it's about time i get some friends
i think it's about time for a lot of things...

if i had known that that day would haunt me forever i still would have done what i did because even though your eyes and your cries are burnt like a brand on my brain i had the power for once for once i was bigger and stronger and tougher yet my skin still slices like a knife to the neck when i think of

i feel so sick, so sick to my stomach.

tired & uninspired.

as she walks & sinks with each step into the sand she can see the waves rolling, rolling towards her toes &


!

it's cold very cold it's freezing in fact, it's turning her toes blue & chattering her teeth & raising each hair on her crossed arms. she stands there, looking out across the water letting the cold of the ocean & the heat of the sun mix together to create a comfortable temperature taking a seat on a rock high enough to keep her dry she lights a cigarette & takes a swig from her flask.
the pocket flask; genius.


"i am thinking about you right now & wondering where you are. i send happiness your way every day. in no way do i love you but in every way i hope you are loved. i hope you are loved the way i know i could love you, if such circumstances were attainable. i want to tell you right now that the sun is at its most beautiful state & the ocean is emitting the most calming sound & the wind is creating the most soothing breeze & i wish you could see it hear it feel it with me. it must be so different where you sit, on that other side of the ocean. sometimes i just --




she hears his footsteps slams the book shut tosses the pencil to its demise & takes a glance over her shoulder sure enough there's his smile his gorgeous eyes and he's running towards her she instantly feels her own smile spread across her face runs through the water splashing slipping falling to greet him and soon she's under water it's cold very cold it's freezing in fact & it's turning her whole body blue her throat lungs eyes ears are shrieking freezing filling with water


the flask slipped from her hand the book submerged in sand the words wiped away from the page nothing remained & it all must end this way it all must end in pain it's just the way it is the way i think dream wonder this is all just?

i...

i'm miles from where you are,
i lay down on the cold ground

i, i pray that something picks me up
& sets me down in your warm arms

oh how i hate these moods...

i need a good cry.

.

i cant believe this routine
of nothingness
i need to make my life happen
i am getting older every day
i dont know how much longer i can go on
what is happening?
what am i supposed to be doing?
what am i not doing?
ahh

OH LIFE

you continue to abuse me...

a wise man once told me...

"self improvement is a never ending and imperative task."

what matters most is how well you walk through the fire.

it was the summer of burns

not sunburns

the hallways were thin 
the apartment was small and buzzing with wannabe hipsters

the room spun with the toss of my hair 
the sway of my hips and the flick of my ash

squeeze

sucking my belly in pushing myself against the wall 
as if it made a difference to passers by

squished

cigarettes made contact with skin

more specifically, my chin

[this is not a lie just to rhyme it actually happened]

and in this distracted instant

he whispered in my ear

touched my ass

winked

i never forgot that moment

even when it all came crashing down and i screamed his name with hate

even when fists were thrown and voices were raised in accusation

[.................................]

it was the summer of hell

fire

lies

and love

i have the scars to prove it

i

picture you perfect everytime.

everything that rises must converge.

i've been sitting here for days
thinking about the ways
i have hurt you
and the way you'd cry
and i didnt even try
to understand
i numbed myself
with bottles off the shelf
so i'd forget
just to feel it now
just to feel it now
i feel it now


i shouldnt be allowed to feel love

i

feel like digging a hole. i'd like to see how far down i get and maybe i'll dig a really deep hole that i can jump in. just a one person hole. where i'll sit and look up at the circular walls surrounding me spiraling up to the moonlit sky. [i prefer a moonlit sky when describing this type of setting] it will be dark and dingy and muddy but i'll be where i need to be. this is where i think and dream and wonder. this is where i thrive. the hole represents my wanting to be alone. yet the moon represents that i am not, in fact, alone; and that i like it that way. i think i will always like it that way and it confuses me. sometimes i wonder what happened in my childhood to make me need, that, moon, in my sky. 


sometimes i wish i was different.

i

just woke up from a dream.

you were in it.

you were real?

i hate this feeling of knowing.

and not knowing.

and wondering.

and now i miss you,

come back anytime.

i

have been sitting in my room for the past three and a half days, only leaving with layer upon layer of clothing on my body, a scarf around the neck, to smoke the occasional cigarette. i have been staring at the computer screen. i have been staring at words on a page. i have been eating mike & ikes.

jealous?

m. a.

"nolite te bastardes carborundorum."