i stopped waiting for you hours ago, but i still can't seem to sleep. it was the first time you said her name, and it burned into my retinas like a branding. i can still see it when i close my eyes.

i cried for you for the first time last night;
sober, that is.
for you? because of you? because i'm without you?
all of the above.
it's starting to spread throughout my body from the heart,
it's almost like a pain but a good pain
and now it's in my hips,
shoulder blades,
collar bone.
a constant ache.
i have convinced myself that i know the sound of you breathing,
and i play it in my ear, on my pillow.
and i don't want to cry.
i don't want to cry for something that is all in my head.

sometimes i

create for

myself a

reason to.

on me

in me

coming out

of me.

it must end.

it must end before i run out of room

and i become completely unlovable.

just one big spot of blood

dried on the skin of your hands

that you wash off with soap

and watch go down the drain.

i have watched myself go down the drain

countless times.

it kind of just sunk in that i will not be seeing you and i am torn, by the razor's edge of reality. i am the world's rage erupting up like flames lighting burning everything i touch. you are the tall cool glass of water autumns cold breeze every element that has the power to put me out. cool me down. make me real again. what am i when i'm real? it is so late and i can hear an animal outside my window screaming to the moon.