urg

i dont know why
but i
need cheering up

]bangbang[

i had dreams of different people different things different places but i have to just live with what where and who i am right now no more thinking of the past and what i used to think and do and wishing i could go back and make it worthwhile everything i did seems like a waste because of what i am now

i want to shoot guns into the air by the shore of an ocean hear the bang feel the power smell the salt in the air and just shoot shoot shoot till my barrel is empty then i'll refill and shoot some more and while i shoot the waves will roll up and hit my ankles and soften the sand and my weight combined with those two things will sink me down down down into the shoreline where i will stand forever with my guns and bullets and maybe someone eventually will hear my call the bang of my gun and come stand beside me

life & shit

the truth will tell in due time
will i fade away?
i'd hate to fade.
give me comfort
the warm graze
of your fingers
through my hair
no ones ever grazed my hair like you do
i feel a war
between my heart & mind
it's starting
i hear the trampling of the feet of masses
the click of the safety on a gun
when will
the first shot
be fired?

eye

i cant even keep my eyes open
i'm so tired
all the time
every day
dont wanna get up
just want to sleep
& dream
meet me there

ugh

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry.
i'm sorry for trying to make myself happy.
i'm sorry that you're not strong enough to deal with that.
i'm sorry i ever let you own me.
i'm sorry that i'm really, not, sorry.

!

i feel really
really
fucked up

i'm listening

it's like i can see the horizon in front of me i can see the horizon so well that i can feel it i can taste it it is right there. but i cannot hear it. i cannot hear you. i am listening i am trying so hard to hear the waves rolling the wind blowing the breeze calling my name and telling me to just breathe. i cannot hear it. the calming sounds of the future the horizon that's in front of me is silent. or i am deaf. i cannot figure out what it is. all i know is that i am listening and i hear nothing. no one. so my breath is short my heart is fast and if i could just hear the sounds of peace i could be fine. i am trying to be fine.

o_O

it is truly amazing
the
words that can be said
from human to human
without a flinch
and with the wrong
human
on the other end
words can tear
& break
& gnaw at the heart
i am truly glad
that
i am strong enough
although i am truly sad
that
you exist