if i had known that that day would haunt me forever i still would have done what i did because even though your eyes and your cries are burnt like a brand on my brain i had the power for once for once i was bigger and stronger and tougher yet my skin still slices like a knife to the neck when i think of

i feel so sick, so sick to my stomach.

tired & uninspired.

as she walks & sinks with each step into the sand she can see the waves rolling, rolling towards her toes &


!

it's cold very cold it's freezing in fact, it's turning her toes blue & chattering her teeth & raising each hair on her crossed arms. she stands there, looking out across the water letting the cold of the ocean & the heat of the sun mix together to create a comfortable temperature taking a seat on a rock high enough to keep her dry she lights a cigarette & takes a swig from her flask.
the pocket flask; genius.


"i am thinking about you right now & wondering where you are. i send happiness your way every day. in no way do i love you but in every way i hope you are loved. i hope you are loved the way i know i could love you, if such circumstances were attainable. i want to tell you right now that the sun is at its most beautiful state & the ocean is emitting the most calming sound & the wind is creating the most soothing breeze & i wish you could see it hear it feel it with me. it must be so different where you sit, on that other side of the ocean. sometimes i just --




she hears his footsteps slams the book shut tosses the pencil to its demise & takes a glance over her shoulder sure enough there's his smile his gorgeous eyes and he's running towards her she instantly feels her own smile spread across her face runs through the water splashing slipping falling to greet him and soon she's under water it's cold very cold it's freezing in fact & it's turning her whole body blue her throat lungs eyes ears are shrieking freezing filling with water


the flask slipped from her hand the book submerged in sand the words wiped away from the page nothing remained & it all must end this way it all must end in pain it's just the way it is the way i think dream wonder this is all just?

i...

i'm miles from where you are,
i lay down on the cold ground

i, i pray that something picks me up
& sets me down in your warm arms

oh how i hate these moods...

i need a good cry.

.

i cant believe this routine
of nothingness
i need to make my life happen
i am getting older every day
i dont know how much longer i can go on
what is happening?
what am i supposed to be doing?
what am i not doing?
ahh