block

and they said i looked like a turtle.

tuesday night. not thursday.

thursdays

drinking coffee on a thursday evening
and wondering when you will show up
at this diner i sit waiting in the 50's style booth
with a jukebox and mini tv watching jerry and his guests
your late! no, you were late an hour ago
by now you are way past not coming
my fries are getting cold and my heart is right along with them
growing staler and staler each minute i think about
how you left me here to wonder where the fuck you might be
it was on purpose, that i know
because you've done this twice before
and i gaze at that little screen feeling more and more insane
because those hicks on the show seem more happy sleeping with their mother
than i am being with you
why is it that everyone elses life seems so much more made up
like it's so easy for them to get through a day
when really they think the same about your life
envying every word out of your mouth and every step that you take
ripping up napkins i've accumulated a pile now
each one ripped with my intense feeling of betray
this diner booth is oh so lonely
and all i want is for you to be sitting across from me
drinking your hot coffee and reminiscing your day to me
this thursday evening has drawn into a night
and i leave a few quarters to cover the bill
to walk home alone in the dark musty air
of another thursday gone by full of mascara stained tears

thats what you wanted to hear.

hold me when i cry.

its late and i'm feeling oh so uncreative, reading back on those notes i used to write to myself, about love and hate, and hating love.
...but mostly hate. remembering how i used to just sit under the covers and hate over and over again in my book with the tin cover. listening to michelle or boxcar, depending on the mood i was in; michelle if it was my hate for love, and boxcar if it was my hate for the world. its funny how with just one old poem your whole life can replay in the memory section of your mind. i sometimes wish that section was dead. burned or torn up so it is not to be used ever again. i never want to lie to myself, and never want to be alone again. but you know the old saying, never say never. my book with the tin cover will be hidden in a secret spot. and i will take pills so that i myself dont remember where it lies.

it's worse than you think...

but these grass stains on my knees, they won't mean a thing.



total pointlessness.

"what?! why would we wanna learn?? but, why!! nooooo."
i'd rather just get brainwashed in block and never. learn. again.
"i am way worse than yesterday guys, today i'm just, NO."
your actually writing that down?!?!?! NERD.
"quick, start writing, shes toooo close!"
deandras own language? hahahah.
"slap_her, beat_her, rape_her"
oh the many randitions you can make with the word 'her'.
"i feel it eating away at my stomach."
my stomach hated me today at lunch.
"i'm soooo high!? my head hurts from the coke"
not-even-a-whole-can-made-me-insane.
"deandra purple hair would sooooo suit you"
oh jeez. what to say about that one... hahahha.
"good for you charmaine, good for you"
oh andrea and her passionate hate.
"hey tori, follow herrrrrr"
oh my god, tori's insane.

jeez, i actually laughed writing this whole post.
too bad it doenst make sense to anybody but me. [well, andrea too.]
just try to imagine,
i swear to god it's funny.

goodbye.

fucking milk man.

milk man.

i wish the milkman would deliver more milk, in the morning.

oh poor milkman.


on the more serious side of my day.

well it's getting colder and you're getting distant
and i just keep thinking that i never meant it
to be like this
to be like this
you know what comes next, sooooo do i.
you're begging for a way to gracefully bow out
and say goodnight.
it's worse than you think...
on your way home
you should have known
you never listen to me
i'm only complaining, to keep myself busy sweetie.
i can't say i blame you
but i wish that i could
i'm sick of writing everyyyy song about you.

dont call my name out your window, i'm leaving.

takingbacksunday

.moneen.

upside-down in the bank on september 21st.


guys .moneen. fucking ruled.
it was honestly the funnest thing!
awesome show!

nora. waht the fuck is with this email thing.
its not working.
wtf.

go scooby gang go.

never thought i'd love someone like i love you

just thinking:

days off are mint.

days off to think about shitty things aren't as good.

andreas gotta be the cutest person EV-ER.

i love how awesome you are to me. you keep my doodles.

holy shit.

i'm feelin the Billy right now, they fucking rule.

i hope to god she writes back.

i hope to god its good.


sketching on the table at a restaurant. cute as always.

i dont just pretend to understand.

i mite go to moneen tomorrow nite in b-dot.

that'll be awesome.

never thought love could come at such a young age.

i should go but i'll be waiting for your phonecall.

what a holiday this week will be.

i like when the red water comes out.

watch salad fingers.

i'm totally feeling the F word rite now.

and i've had enough with this fucking list of fucked thoughts.

i am done with fucking thinking!!

good fucking bye.

standing in the rainn...

safety of my bathroom

the sun has been down for hours now
it's late and my body's sore from today
his voice through the wire of the telephone stings
stings my heart with each word he speaks
guilt runs down my cheek
and drips onto the photograph i hold so close to my heart
to try to feel the emotion through the picture
but all i feel is the emotion of...
the silence sucking out time from its place
and holding it there for what seems like eternity
the numbers are changing but the situation isnt
an intense feeling of confusion overtakes my jaw
and doesnt let me move
i'm stuck in the darkness of the safety of my bathroom
listening to love trying to figure itself out
the phone is now wet
and my cheeks damp with tears
i love you
and want you to understand and rememeber that
still sitting there i think of all that's been said
and all i can wonder is how i'll be able
to get myself up in the morning
but the last whisper goodbye
puts me calmly to sleep
and i wake up with you beating my heart.

aqua.

COME ON LETS GO GET IT ON.

ohhhhh today was great. birthday party for the greatest girl, steph!! plus a live band for it. it ruled all. cuz it was jordans band. hahah they did good too.

and jordan came over after, and we went on an adventure and took pictures!

but i didnt post any of those.

yah time to eat.

"come on lets go get it on, come on lets go have some fun"

--AQUA. what intellegent lyrics...

cuz i'm a wishfull thinker...

forever.

lets pack up and move to california.

i like dressing up into someone i'm not

and pretending that all that matters in life

is me, my best frend, my fake tea, and my fake pearls.

and yes... i'm the one on the right.

i'm lying just to keep you here

this is how things should be:
we are together and i'm laughing again,
with days full of smiles and thumping hearts.
my senses are so much more sensitive when you're around.
your fingertips are like fire to the skin,
where my nerves flinch from your soft touch.
your lips are so delicate when they meet mine...
oh the feeling of something that never gets old.
we might get old but our hearts will stay young forever.
we will still get shivers from just one kiss on the cheek
and our minds start racing from just one glance.
our hands will still shake from making contact
and our knees will weaken when we whisper in each others ears.
that is how things will be.

cross my heart and hope to...

all i wanna do, is grow old with you.

why is this happening.

last hour.

so theyre on a walk
and i'm now all alone
i dont know what the fuck shes planning
and i dont know what the fuck hes planning
on doing.
the back of their heads
slowly getting smaller and smaller
and smaller
until i cannot see them anymore.

this is when my heart starts pounding
this is when my nerves get tense
this is when my mind starts racing
this is when i try to make sense
of whats to come and whats to go

shes taking my last hour
my last hour with the owner of my heart
i just need to scream so loud
so loud to get the anger out
i'm totally alone so i could scream if i want to
but i just want to stay in silence
and wait for their return.

why is she not back yet?
what the hell could they be saying
i need to be with him right now or i'll just go
insane.

its been a while since i was your...

its been a while...

i cried myself to sleep for you

it was the first time i've ever shed a tear while in bed

that was a lie. a dirty one...

but it was an impressive collection of tears i would say;

a mixed arrangement of i miss you's and i love you's

from the convorsation we had earlier that day

it was wierd to cry and have to stop and think

about what it is i was crying about

it was about our hearts being so distant

and about our lips not touching

about how much i wish i was someone else

when i really dont even have to be

i have everything i want being me so why would i change that?

goosebumps and wet pillowcases

that's the last i remember

before i woke up smiling.

forca.

billeh

i'm sleeping with your sweater that you left hanging in my room, so i can at least have the last of your scent still lingering on the sleeve. and if you can i beg you please, just dont forget me, the 'girl of your dreams'. i wish that i could feel your hand in mine everyday cuz your voice through the phone is getting old and grey. friday is only two days away and. two days away...
i wish i was better; when will i be able to give to you what you give to me? i dont know. but i try, and all i know right now is that sleeping with your sweater that you left hanging in my room is just not good enough to get me through.

So I hold my breath 'til my heart explodes

Cause this is how it is and this is how it goes

You can steal my body but you can't steal my soul

Cause this is how it is and this is how it goes

my notebook will explain.

don't blink.







the weekend seems like a lifetime away.

am i that obvious?

am i that obvious?

you make my heart pound so hard i swear you can still hear it a mile down the road, to the left.

and if i ever got the courage to tell you in person i would spill how much i love the way you smell.

i love the way your hair falls on your forehead and into the brightest blue eyes i have ever seen.

and the sound of your voice on the lowest of days can bring a rusty smile upon my teared face.

your touch, oh your touch.

i live off your touch.

without it i would slowly drift further and further into my own disease of self destruction.

all in all your incredible.

and i thank you for that.

all alone.

running for home.

more like away from it...

yesterday was special.

not looking forward to the weekend, cuz of dance. fuck.

i better see nora before she leaves.

school absolutely sucks already and i havent even started.

lonliness drapes over my shoulders like the heaviest blanket of pure lead ever made. you ask, why lonely? the answer comes faltering out of my mouth without meaning cause i simply dont have a reason. the feeling of solitude overcomes my heart even though it should be the entire opposite. i feel seperate from the rest of the reality i am forced to live in, as though i have three heads when all the others only have one.