what matters most is how well you walk through the fire.

it was the summer of burns

not sunburns

the hallways were thin 
the apartment was small and buzzing with wannabe hipsters

the room spun with the toss of my hair 
the sway of my hips and the flick of my ash

squeeze

sucking my belly in pushing myself against the wall 
as if it made a difference to passers by

squished

cigarettes made contact with skin

more specifically, my chin

[this is not a lie just to rhyme it actually happened]

and in this distracted instant

he whispered in my ear

touched my ass

winked

i never forgot that moment

even when it all came crashing down and i screamed his name with hate

even when fists were thrown and voices were raised in accusation

[.................................]

it was the summer of hell

fire

lies

and love

i have the scars to prove it

i

picture you perfect everytime.

everything that rises must converge.

i've been sitting here for days
thinking about the ways
i have hurt you
and the way you'd cry
and i didnt even try
to understand
i numbed myself
with bottles off the shelf
so i'd forget
just to feel it now
just to feel it now
i feel it now


i shouldnt be allowed to feel love

i

feel like digging a hole. i'd like to see how far down i get and maybe i'll dig a really deep hole that i can jump in. just a one person hole. where i'll sit and look up at the circular walls surrounding me spiraling up to the moonlit sky. [i prefer a moonlit sky when describing this type of setting] it will be dark and dingy and muddy but i'll be where i need to be. this is where i think and dream and wonder. this is where i thrive. the hole represents my wanting to be alone. yet the moon represents that i am not, in fact, alone; and that i like it that way. i think i will always like it that way and it confuses me. sometimes i wonder what happened in my childhood to make me need, that, moon, in my sky. 


sometimes i wish i was different.

i

just woke up from a dream.

you were in it.

you were real?

i hate this feeling of knowing.

and not knowing.

and wondering.

and now i miss you,

come back anytime.

i

have been sitting in my room for the past three and a half days, only leaving with layer upon layer of clothing on my body, a scarf around the neck, to smoke the occasional cigarette. i have been staring at the computer screen. i have been staring at words on a page. i have been eating mike & ikes.

jealous?

m. a.

"nolite te bastardes carborundorum."

hah

listography

i like looking back at lists i used to make and feeling happy that nothing in those lists matter to me now.

i'm free

[feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take
reminding us how far we've come
let the pain burn away from our hearts
we have time to start all over again

feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take
reminding us how far we've come
let the pain burn away from our hearts
we have time to start all over again

feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take
reminding us how far we've come
let the pain burn away from our hearts
we have time to start all over again

well if you would shine your love down here oh
make our hearts as perfect as new
oh if you would shine your love down here oh
i promise i'll reflect it right back at you
oh i promise i'll reflect it right back at you
oh i promise we'll reflect it right back at you]




copeland

:]

smile today

is it gonna be like, staring at a black screen?

death is a very real thing
i am old enough to know that by now
but every time it creeps itself
closer to my heart
i get stuck
it's like i am standing there
everyone & everything around me
is spinning
& moving
but i am not
and my throat clenches and i get scared
seriously scared of not being
anymore
& i wonder what people think
when they know they are at that point
that at any second
they will breathe their last breath
& the world will go on
it's just too easy to say
''death doesn't scare me!''
i am not that strong

they show in the movies
an old soul
breathing slowly & painfully
& they say
''i have lived so long that i am now ready, to die.''
it makes me shudder
i don't think i will ever be able to say that
i hate that it scares me
the nothingness

:\

i really wish some people didnt exist
i really wish some things never happened
i really wish i would stop wishing and just live

urg

i dont know why
but i
need cheering up

]bangbang[

i had dreams of different people different things different places but i have to just live with what where and who i am right now no more thinking of the past and what i used to think and do and wishing i could go back and make it worthwhile everything i did seems like a waste because of what i am now

i want to shoot guns into the air by the shore of an ocean hear the bang feel the power smell the salt in the air and just shoot shoot shoot till my barrel is empty then i'll refill and shoot some more and while i shoot the waves will roll up and hit my ankles and soften the sand and my weight combined with those two things will sink me down down down into the shoreline where i will stand forever with my guns and bullets and maybe someone eventually will hear my call the bang of my gun and come stand beside me

life & shit

the truth will tell in due time
will i fade away?
i'd hate to fade.
give me comfort
the warm graze
of your fingers
through my hair
no ones ever grazed my hair like you do
i feel a war
between my heart & mind
it's starting
i hear the trampling of the feet of masses
the click of the safety on a gun
when will
the first shot
be fired?

eye

i cant even keep my eyes open
i'm so tired
all the time
every day
dont wanna get up
just want to sleep
& dream
meet me there

ugh

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry.
i'm sorry for trying to make myself happy.
i'm sorry that you're not strong enough to deal with that.
i'm sorry i ever let you own me.
i'm sorry that i'm really, not, sorry.

!

i feel really
really
fucked up

i'm listening

it's like i can see the horizon in front of me i can see the horizon so well that i can feel it i can taste it it is right there. but i cannot hear it. i cannot hear you. i am listening i am trying so hard to hear the waves rolling the wind blowing the breeze calling my name and telling me to just breathe. i cannot hear it. the calming sounds of the future the horizon that's in front of me is silent. or i am deaf. i cannot figure out what it is. all i know is that i am listening and i hear nothing. no one. so my breath is short my heart is fast and if i could just hear the sounds of peace i could be fine. i am trying to be fine.

o_O

it is truly amazing
the
words that can be said
from human to human
without a flinch
and with the wrong
human
on the other end
words can tear
& break
& gnaw at the heart
i am truly glad
that
i am strong enough
although i am truly sad
that
you exist