angel by your hospital bed

(...)

it's testing the strong ones
it's scarring the beautiful ones
it's holding the loved ones one last time

holy bible?

i marvel at the stars and feel my heart overflow

(the sex...)
look at some pictures?

just drown me, it is my biggest fear.

disappointment baby

It's okay to be my disappointment baby

this past sunday i watched the notebook. seriously love that movie i dont CARE how cheesy that sounds! i also hardly slept at alll and am very tired yet i dont let myself go to sleep. i am turning seventeen next saterday and that is pretty exciting. it kind of sounds a little older than stupid ol' sixteen eh? haha... last nite we went to jack astors and my mom came late, so while she wasnt there we told the waitress it was her birthday. it really wasnt, but hey it was hilarious and we got free ice cream. its a seriously fun thing to do, DO IT SOMETIME! and to the one who understands: ana is pregnant with a LOT of babies...

theres nothing you can do to make a difference
because theres nothing i can do to even understand
i'm like an ocean whose tide has gone down so low
that i'm striving to keep myself moist enough to go on
but still drowning away in my own self affliction
and trying to find reason
but i'm numb and expressionless
and cant even make myself laugh for the hell of it
the least i can do is wake up in the morning
and make myself pretty to impress no one at all
walk down the halls with no look on my face
but a cold stare forward in no apperent direction
its the pain that keeps me going
the pain of nothing at all
i hate how my own life to me is answerless
arent i supposed to be the one knowing
what i got going on?



( i'm just a boat on the ocean, and i'm just a ship lost at sea. )

the fAmine

just a little bit

last night i went to the thirty hour famine, without famining. i guess i just went for the fun! haha and funnn times it was! johns band played, as did caspian and mark, and randy, and madison avenue. i got tons of wicked awesome pictures that i wish i could share, but of course i'm too lazy to post all two hundred and something of them, so i picked the highlights. check em out.
i stayed up till really late in the... morning. and then ended up sleeping until three thirty this afternoon. so right now its seven and i feel like i should be... eating lunch or something? the days just starting for me. and i think i'll be haulin ass in the minivan tonite. woot! hahah.
i really want the two new bright eyes cds. i have to hear them. but i doubt that i could get them anywhere here like HMV cuz they suck at having bright eyes cds, and if they do they are sold for thirty bucks and its just too much for me right now, as i am poor.
so i've been trying to fade away. but i realize that even once i do fade away there will still be something there that you will be able to see. and thats not very fun cuz i dont want to be stuck here forever. but i have a feeling i will be... cuz i just cant help but do it. and i know that no one will understand this, but maybe that is why i am writing it.

because i've been practicing disappearing and i think that i've got it down.

your okay

july

there was a girl who was walking down main street
it was dark out
she was lost
her hands were in her pockets
freezing
as if it was the middle of winter
in canada.
but it was the first of july as she walked down main street
it was busy
she was lost
looking for anybody to walk with
frantically
as if she was supposed to be with
someone.
the dark sky lit up as the fireworks began
she stopped walking
looked up
forgetting all about being alone
peacefully
as if shes never seen fireworks before
tonight.
and she stood there on main street for hours it seemed
just staring
at the sky
thinking of the past year through her
head
as if she was living it all over
again.
when the show in the sky was over she walked again down main street
it was dark out
she was alone
but she was no longer lost
smiling
as if it was the first of july like
last year.

and time's not poison but once you drink it all you'll die. so let's just sip it real slow, yeah, we can nurse it all night.

ugh

[now everything is different, and everyone around you, needs to know that you're okay.]

after all

you hide behind your insecurities

standing in the middle like i've lost all my attention. there are people, all around me, and i do not hear their sound. all i hear is the voices from the mic and through the thumping speakers. screaming words of severed memories and how i made you feel. i stood there staring at the ground, it was a tiled floor. usually cold, but tonite warm from the pairs of pounding feet. and the beating of the bass kept up with the beating of my head. it ached for every verse about your bitter broken heart and it took all of me to stand my ground, choke my tears, and not walk away. it was only a matter of time till i heard nothing at all. no shrieks of young attraction and no brilliant back up lines. the echoes slowly grew silent as if i was lying underground. but still i stood there in the middle with a blank look on my face staring anywhere, anywhere to get me out of this place. as every song played on i picked out lines i knew were yours. and the lyrics pressed against my chest onto the wall of dirty words. and to tell you the truth i felt used, and known, and trapped inside a mess. every glance towards you i noticed your eyes closed... you closed your eyes as you sang on stage while i tried so hard not to look at you. it was then i walked away from that place where i liked to stand, and forgot all about what i was feeling. to not be remembered ever again.

im not a soldier and i'm not a king, but i can play a mean guitar. and you can talk to me about almost anything, without worrying...

i dont mean you

i like to think i'm something i'm not

you could have
i would have
i'm really not understanding...

the kitchen is cold but the coffee is warm. and the suns coming up, the day has just begun. and your already bored... bored of cheering me up, bored of calming me down, bored of drying my eyes. but there once was a time when you were the one. you were the blue of the sky, you came after the storm. you were the switch on the wall in the dark of the hall, im still fumbling for. cuz im lost in the black i dont know where I am. arms strecthed out in front im calling your name. just as loud as I can... I know theres words that we will never speak and the questions cant be answered easily, but I wanted to be easy so, nod your head if the plans have changed. shake it, love, if they stayed the same. smile at me and I will stay, start to cry and I'll go away. just please dont leave me guessing.
-conor

me and the moon, she said

cross my heart and hope to...

so for now i'm the last that i want to speak of
please just block it, block me, from your ever changing mind
i dont want what i want...
disappoint me, fail me,
tell me something i dont want to hear.
make, me suffer.


so reckless, so thoughtless, so careless, i could care less.

pass pass pass

i hope you know, she doesnt mean you


let me, pass out

today was such a cool experience. i went and saw my brothers band in the studio... which was so fuckin cool. they sound, amazing. my brother, i'm so damn proud of him. like really, his voice is so good. and not only did i get to see the whole recording thing in action, i got to fuckin record too! like you know how it is with the really cool mic and your in a separate room and you got headphones on listenin to the track and singing. I DID THAT! it was so awesome! i loved it, and plus i get to be on my brothers cd... ugh too cool. well annnyways that was all i wanted to say.

and that's why i'm wondering why you had to tell me, what's going on in your head.

it feels like, the first time

sunshine?



haven't laughed this hard in a long time, i better stop now before i start crying. go off to sleep in the sunshine, i don't want to see the day when it's dying.

ohhmannnnnihatemylife

you make it so much easier to hate you like i do

ugh

ow ow

i cant i cant i cant


my boarder buddy!

me haha

me and my mom...

rannnnndy

randy and jim!

ok so today was the ultimate adventure ever! oh wow guys it was fun though! haha all that we went through was worth it!
i hope nothing ever makes sense anymore. when things start making sense in life you need to just start living again. and nothing that makes sense to you will ever make sense to other people, so stop trying. its all so much better if we just live with what we have and what we are, and dont worry about what we say or do and if it makes sense to us or anyone else. let them figure it out, we're all gonne die trying anyways...

put me out cuz i'm a fucking fire.

the love

it took so long to figure out what this book has been about.



we revolved around high boots and fishnets.

inspiration

its the cold that inspires me to roll up my sleeves

but if the world could remain in a frame like a painting on a wall, then i think we would see the beauty. then we would stand staring in awe at our still lives posed like a bowl of oranges, like a story told by the fault lines and the soil.

bleu

i feel blue



so then i fell like that girl from a balance beam. a gymnasium of eyes were all holding on to me. i lifted one foot to cross the other and i felt myself slipping. it was a small mistake. sometimes that is all it takes. i feel blue.

a place on the other side

only on da left side


yeh dun ask...

yeh mang... she iz hardxcore. roger dat.

lucky locka numba sixtay nyne.

hit em up styale.

follow da leada, leada, leada, FOLLOW da leada!

da firzt dayte.

one, two steppin'

omgz. me and ma homegirlz scream so hard. iznt dat scari?

i got'cho back.

i've changed fo da betta, an' babe, i know dat dis iz a broken home. but dun yew C? i cri @ nyte, but i guess yew dun see, cuz you neva take anotha' look at me nemorez. diz makez nuh sense but all in good tyme, beb, all in good tyme.

get it

do you get it?


this is for mrs. bell

steeeevey

lenalena!

aw michelle ahha

i dont remember this being taken?

aww bug model

my ring...

...like art could save a wretch like me. with some ideal ideology that no one can hope to achieve. and i am never real; it is just a sketch of me.

i'mafakkkeee

i'll convince you soon that i am fine

small, simple, safe price. rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets. this is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals... and i am not afraid to die, i'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight. i want the pain of payment. what's left, but a section of pigmy size cuts?much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks. would you be my little cut? would you be my thousand fucks? and make mark, leaving space for the guilt to be liquid. to fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts. my sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter... i'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart. love is not like anything, especially a fucking knife.

trust me not for i speak without thought,
love me not for i love without thought...

i cant believe my bones

i cant believe my bones

















he read in a book that the world is continually spinning and felt dizzy for a whole week.