life & shit

the truth will tell in due time
will i fade away?
i'd hate to fade.
give me comfort
the warm graze
of your fingers
through my hair
no ones ever grazed my hair like you do
i feel a war
between my heart & mind
it's starting
i hear the trampling of the feet of masses
the click of the safety on a gun
when will
the first shot
be fired?

eye

i cant even keep my eyes open
i'm so tired
all the time
every day
dont wanna get up
just want to sleep
& dream
meet me there

ugh

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry.
i'm sorry for trying to make myself happy.
i'm sorry that you're not strong enough to deal with that.
i'm sorry i ever let you own me.
i'm sorry that i'm really, not, sorry.

!

i feel really
really
fucked up

i'm listening

it's like i can see the horizon in front of me i can see the horizon so well that i can feel it i can taste it it is right there. but i cannot hear it. i cannot hear you. i am listening i am trying so hard to hear the waves rolling the wind blowing the breeze calling my name and telling me to just breathe. i cannot hear it. the calming sounds of the future the horizon that's in front of me is silent. or i am deaf. i cannot figure out what it is. all i know is that i am listening and i hear nothing. no one. so my breath is short my heart is fast and if i could just hear the sounds of peace i could be fine. i am trying to be fine.

o_O

it is truly amazing
the
words that can be said
from human to human
without a flinch
and with the wrong
human
on the other end
words can tear
& break
& gnaw at the heart
i am truly glad
that
i am strong enough
although i am truly sad
that
you exist

"

i taste the blood on my tongue
from biting it for far too long
the taste of iron
is becoming
unpleasant
& any day now
it'll all come out
and you are gonna taste it too
in your face
in your veins
and i hope
it hurts
you
are
scum

that secret that you know

if i was a super hero there would be
no such thing as loss
& with a flick of my finger
no one lonely
including me

the night sky seems to roll in
over me
faster & faster each day
forcing me to dream
although i cant...
because of the ever flowing stream of thoughts floating in and out of my brain like why cant everyone just get along and why is there always drama centered around my life when is it going to stop. i need warmth cause i'm shivering. i need new life. when i was fourteen i used to dream of being older because i felt like i was this older person, stuck in a young persons body. i remember thinking how much better things will be once i'm older i'll be doing older people things and have older people friends that make older people decisions and i'll be making older people decisions. boy was i fucking wrong. please take me back rewind the tape back up the truck reverse the clock however you want to put it being older fucking sucks. i was so fortunate back then being the older person in the young persons body i had such an advantage no one else did except now i am still there, where i was, nothings changed. i am only fooling myself i am struggling and cannot admit that to myself. please let this be the last leg of the race there's only so much my heart can take and i swear to god if i mess up one more time i'll never trust myself. that's alot of 'myselfs'. me me me me me. i am not a super hero if i was a super hero there would be no such thing as this this shit and

and i said i know it well

today when i was driving i noticed an ambulance with it's lights flashing sitting outside of an old aged home and i knew someone was dead inside and it made me feel weird.

misguided ghosts

i've always been that hopeless
[hopeful?]
romantic
i believe in love
& i love so easily
& i love that i love so easily
[scratch that, i'm torn]
i thought i found it
i thought i could see
but all it was
was a destroyer of myself
i let it strip me for all that i am
i gave it control
in the worst possible way
and now
i resemble
a machine that's been on standby


it's out of character,
i know,
but i am scared of the future
what if i am searching
for the self i thought i lost
and never find it again?


i'm on the side of the road
i'm kicking pebbles with my toe
i'm looking up at the sky
i need to get off standby
grab your jumper cables
i need a boost

:]

i hope this is for real

i hope this lasts

electric

i want to be
a blank canvas


with the paintbrush
in your hand


i want to feel
out of control


of what i will
become


i want to feel
the paint sink in


sink your paint
into me




i've been sitting like a hunchback for too long.

i want

money
film
new shoes
a haircut
new tattoo
success
happiness
you

:[

fall fell fast,
i'm shivering.
wind blowing strong,
i'm floating.
up and upside down,
circling the trees,
as they lose their leaves.
breaking branches;
my body is.

i'm just sitting on the shelf.

i wake
& your face
is my sunrise;
shining out
from the horizon that is
our pillow.

she&him

i am feeling under the weather
cause the weather is under
me.

here comes the winter
and another chapter
of cold thoughts and cold limbs
lets hope someone will keep me warm.

wow

i havent used this in years...
i feel like i have time to get back into it and that excites me cause i've always loved it.

:)

it's my birthday,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
nineteen bitches.

yeah i'm working, on weekends, i need to get paid.

lomos

god is nowhere; god is now here.
god is nowhere; god is now here.