stuff

busy, busy, bee!

there's always something in my eye but i can handle it. there's always something in my mind and i can take it. there's always something in my heart and i can feel it. there's always something there, keeping me, from falling apart. keeping me, feeling alive. whether it hurts or not i thank it everyday. thank it for not letting me forget; that i am living, breathing, changing, making change. the world turns and i turn along with it. the moon follows the sun, or, the sun follows the moon; whichever way you think about it, they are still turning. turning the pages of the calendar where we keep track of our days. when a calendar expires you can just buy a new one. but you cannot buy a new day, a new week, a new month, a new year. take them and feel them for what they are. feel the pain, but don't forget the pleasure.


ps; i did promo shots for Tami Neilson, and here they ARE!
let me know what you think,
xo.

pb&j

everyday

when i go outside i am freezing
when i go inside i am freezing
this happens everyday

because my head is like an open sky
a cold open sky
that keeps me chilled

and when i look up
i do a double take
i never see what i want to see
i never hear what i want to hear

so i double take
and i double take again
i guess that would equal a triple take

but whatever you want to call it
in the end it does not matter

because the vision my eyes give me
equals a blurry type of scene
and i cannot seem to focalize
what it is that would set me free

oh, and this happens everyday
although i cannot tell what day it is

there is no difference between daytime and nighttime
because all there is is gray
i call it graytime

it is fall
it is autumn
like this like that

and this sky is spinning
dropping leaves to the ground
leaving me dizzy

leaving me covered
but leaving me cold...


edit:

..

i'm hardly on the computer anymore...



wheels up
i got to leave this evening
can't seem to shake these vultures
off of my trail
power is made, by power being taken
so I keep on running
to protect my situation



if you do anything this week,
check out this cd, it owns my life...

that's pretty it boys & girls,
oh and ps; i'm not vain, i just take pictures...

xo,
nicole.


EDIT:

i'm really happy, it's almost nerdy. i just love the way things are going lately. this cd is seriously something good in my life right now, and i know that sounds so lame. but i'm acutally bouncing up and down listening to it right now, and i've been listening to it for at least an hour and a half now. work is good, friends are good, time is well spent i would like to think. i'm glad i took this year off to relax and live like i should be right now. i'm eighteen, and although i like to think i'm older than my birth certificate claims [i feel like that all the time], i'm still eighteen, and i shouldnt be out worrying about one decision i make that changes the rest of my future. right now my future is seeing the black dhalia later tonight, and sleeping in tomorrow on my day off. and that's what i like right now. it's enjoyable. although sometimes i do feel trapped and i wish i could get out and maybe live soemwhere else and do different things, i know i'm content where i am right now.
and THAT'S what i'm going for, and that's what i got. and i'm leaving now, peace&love.

suppose this was all just an illusion!






everything. the roads we walk on the people we talk to the things we buy because we think we need them. we think we need so many things just to live. suppose one day we wake up and all of this is gone; none of us would survive. i know i wouldn't. everything we do during the day, all the exchanging of money and the trading of merchandise, it just goes from one pair of hands to the other. that is all it is. one big fucking circle of nothing. what would happen if everything just stopped? if all the money and fabrication were one big illusion and instead we gave pieces of ourselves from one hand to the other. we could benefit from each other so much more than we do now.

i want to know the whole world. i want to have fragments of me in all the places where i'm not, i want to take something of myself and put it in someone elses hands. i will give to them and they will give to me and then i'll know that i'm not missing out on anything. we can do so much with our hands and yet we use them so casually.

i know i am a victim of illusion. in fact i am an illusionist myself. tomorrow is another day of going through the motions...

dying

who's gonna watch me die?

i just burnt my tongue on tea. it's two thirty eight in the morning and i am burning my tongue on tea. for two days straight i have watched the full first season of House on dvd. i don't know if it has made me miserable or happy, but i AM addicted to that show regardless. on the way to work i heard the song Sarah Says by Death Cab and i forgot about how fucking awesome it is. me and the song had a moment. but then i thought about the fact that every episode in House deals with someone dying and i'm pretty much watching the hardest thing that could ever happen in someones life, over and over and over again. but it's on tv. but it actually happens. and the song is about watching someone die, and how love is watching someone die. and then i realized that i've never really had a close experience with someone dying. i've had people that i love around me die, but i've never watched someone die. and then i think about the line, love is watching someone die. well fuck, i never want to watch someone die. and fuck, i never want to watch someone that i love die.

listen to that song and have a moment with it like i did.

"it stung like a violent wind; that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds."

the eleventh tuesday

"in the beginning of life, when we are infants, we need others to survive, right?
and at the end of life, when you get like me, you need others to survive, right?"

his voice dropped to a whisper.
"but here's the secret: in between, we need others as well."

-tuesdays with morrie

so i've been so busy and when i'm not busy i feel rushed or i am reading, so that is why i have been posting so many excerpts from books lately! but i love them, and the books they came from. so read!
i didnt sleep at all last night and this morning i had to be ready real early to take care of my baby girl! we had a sweet time. there are more picture of her adorableness [here] :D
now that i am working full time and people will be going to school soon i plan on painting more and writing more and of course, trying to get as many photo opportunities as possible.

peace & love,
NICOLE!

ps; has anyone lost a poker chip?

velocity

"But the Jumping People left this message on the cliff above their village, carved it in for the conquistadors. This basically turned into the motto of the Jumping People, even though i don't think it makes all that much sense. I mean, it does and it doesn't. There was another American scholar who polished the words, i guess, a guy at the University of Chicago, so at least it sounds like something you'd carve on a cliff over a village under siege, so your invaders would see it after you've left."

"Give me the fucking message."

Hand took a breath and opened his palms, as if accepting the gift of rain. "YOU SHALL KNOW OUR VELOCITY!" he bellowed into the cold exhausted city.

-Eggers

hanging on

click on the picture?

i keep telling myself this is good, this is right, this is what it's supposed to be like. every night, i see the moon, and i watch it evolve; from sliver to full. and it shines on me, i bask in its rays. from the car from the grass from the parking lot. moontanning.

let's just live and keep on living, no more sleeping. lights lights lights lights keep them on. or keep them off but don't close your eyes. it's never fun to miss the sunrise. i'm going to whisper a secret into a baggie and give it to you, sealed shut. don't tell anyone!

"I've got a heartache
Don't wanna think about it"

merrrcy

EIGHT

in the eyes of men he falls, and in his own eyes too. he falls from his high place, he trips on his achievement. he falls to you, he falls to know you. it is sad, they say. see his disgrace, say the ones at his heel. but he falls radiantly toward the light to which he falls. they cannot see who lifts him as he falls, or how his falling changes, and he himself bewildered till his heart cries out to bless the one who holds him in his falling. and in his fall he hears his heart cry out, his heart explains why he is falling, why he had to fall, and he gives over to the fall. blessed are you, clasp of the falling. he falls into the sky, he falls into the light, none can hurt him as he falls. blessed are you, shield of the falling. wrapped in his fall, concealed within his fall, he finds the place, he is gathered in. while his hair streams back, and his clothes tear in the wind, he is held up, comforted, he enters into the place of his fall. blessed are you, embrace of the falling, foundation of the light, master of the human accident.


-Book of Mercy, Leonard Cohen


everyone needs to read this book!
let me know if you want to borrow it. :)

..., i get bored.

tat

today:

eric

new

both

HOLY SHIT

my bruises, from brand new


me and carly bear!


hahha crazy head


yeah, we rule


hotties!

so pretty much, if you ever come to my house, DON'T FORGET to remind me to take a picture with you, with my dads new computer. cause its jokes and i love it. haha.

other than that... i've been having lots of fun. working, hanging out with aaron and tori, and josh and mack, skateboarding, watching movies, taking pictures, listening to music, going to the beach, running in the rain, drinking lots of starbucks...

and, i went to Brand New last night!:

and saw mark and michael. it was good times! but like i said earlier, i got lots of bruises, and i am in pain. but i deal. and, i also made a painting the other week when i was bored at home:

it's a summer painting. i think it's pretty decent.
now i'm just pumped for what's to come. warped tour! maybe some other shows... pretty much just doing MORE of what i've been doing the past few months, cause it's been pretty friggen sweet. time to go eat! i'm peacin' out.

here's some Against Me! lyrics:

song lyrics sung at the top of our lungs so desperately
like i believe in a power that is of and by the people
i believe in an art that cannot be compromised
i believe all will endure, and all will overcome
and i will sing it until i no longer remember the reason
what was the reason?

love!

stupid

live closer.

and there's nothing i can say to erase those days

somewhat scared

somewhat

i am somewhat here, or there, or nowhere. i am somewhat in pain. [physically] i am somewhat scared, and excited. and impatient. and bored. i am somewhat confused? a car just pulled out of my driveway. [notice, the time] note: when i think about the future, all i see are thunderstorms. ripping and shredding everything away. the rain is like a waterfall, and i can't see where i'm going. but i see distance. and it's the kind of distance where you feel tired just looking at it. thinking about getting to the other place takes my breath away. keep talking. i don't sleep or eat or drink the way i should. note: when i see a flying species of any sort i crave attacking them with my camera:



and sometimes this happens. my strap gets in the way. it's unideal, but i deal. i like lattes with my name written on the lid. i like friends who call me and if i don't pick up they leave me a message. because i hate the phone and because they are my friends they know that. i am talking shit right now and i am sorry. i am talking to confidence. i want to see confidence in the face. cause i'm not anything enough right now.



right now, i sort of feel like this. this right here, above this sentence.
and i need to be pulled out.


ps; i started this, three hours ago.

hello, sunshine!

she's an ant. a tiny little microscopic pixel in a world that's over three billion dots per inch. she's walking on a single blade of grass so thin; getting lower and lower as she walks, with a grin, spread onto her face like sunscreen on a child. for protection, of what's unknown, to the skin. and it's the downward slope that scares her. it's the shade that hides her from the sun; the shade that makes protection seem useless. and she'll dig in the dirt, that is microscopic as well [individually of course], just like her. picking up every grain of fibre and tossing it aside, where there's a pile, accumulation, off to the right. soon to be underneath the sole of her foot.
it's there she tramples.


ps; thriftstore romance promos!

past two weeks

the past two weeks?


we went to barrie


had some coffee


did some handstands


went to quebec


stayed at my uncles place


hung out with family


and the boys


saw the band play


visited a church


played with street people


watched some street shows


came home to nice weather


& played with the baby!


so pretty much, i've been really busy the past few weeks...
besides all these things i also graduated! go me.
now it's time to relax in the sun and hang out with good people and work at chapters,
it should be a good summer!
& i'm looking forward to learning new things and seeing new places and meeting new people.
give me a call!

xo,
nicole.

ps; it's my little brothers bday today.

leaves

what's in the sky?

leave the ashes on
till you watch them fall
at your feet

listen to the gasoline drip
and the animals crawl
at your feet

and you let your words
trail out of your mouth
with the smoke you just inhaled

you converse with the leaves
about the past twelve months
and the relationships you've failed

let the night go by
watch the moon as it fades
and don't cry

the seasons are changing
and the sun's coming up
in the sky

and you feel your thoughts
drift off with the moon
blow all the ashes away

forget conversing with leaves
and open up your eyes
tell the sky what you have to say

by: me.

nothing

pigoon!

SO, i have nothing very special to say. except that i made this new design and i like it. i am also going to post about... four pictures. just because i WANT to! and just for an update:

tori and i at prom

aaron can fly!

me, by aaron

one of my recent new favorites of mine

i am currently trying to pass highschool
it might be working out okay...
i still work at my lovely bookstore
i enjoy long car rides with the windows down
i am currently reading Oryx & Crake, READ IT
if you haven't yet seen Amelie, watch it this weekend
i am still waiting on college application results
i hate waking up early
i can't wait for school to be over!!
i have blisters on my heels from my new shoes,

and THAT, my friends, is all.
till next time...

xo

wknd

so prom weekend was really fun!

i posted pictures on my msnspace because there's

so many...

click here and you should be able to see them

regardless if you're on my list or not.

they are adorable, & i can't believe it's over already.

thanks for everyone who made it an awesome time!

i'm going to miss this year,

maybe...

peace&love

grounds

will you say when i'm gone away
"my lover came to me and we'd lay
in rooms unfamiliar but until now" "

...

will you say to me when i'm gone
"your face has faded but lingers on
because light strikes a deal
with each coming night"

-Iron&Wine.

dudes

i'm indestructible.



PS; the band site is UPDATED

!!