so,

this one time
i was in the masai mara
and everything was still.
not a blade of grass shook,
not a bird flew,
and i stared at the horizon ahead.
miles and miles and miles and miles of sand, grass, dirt;
the sun was above me
and straight ahead it was black.

a drip of sweat rolled into
my eye.
i blink and it stings,
i barely breathe,
i blink again.

can you picture it?

i open my eyes,
and the thundering blackness was suddenly upon me and my sweat washed away and mixed with the rain and the sand rose up to greet my face and it was loud and messy and blinding and all the birds flocked to the sky with a whip of their wings and the sound, the sound was so hard, and the antelope darted towards the trees the branches cracked with the weight of the wind.
and i closed my eyes and felt the entire power of god upon me.
but i still don't believe.

895km

i have been destroyed
i am all over the
walls
my finger twitches
a consistent
tap
i can hear it from
the ceiling

no
but for real
i walk and
i talk
i drive my car
i sing along to
the radio
i smoke my cigarettes
i read
i smile and
laugh and
sit and cry
i eat and brush my teeth
i
kiss
his
lips

ya
but for real
i dont know how i do these
things
i am all over the walls
tapping
twitching
dripping

picture this
hair
strewn across the
floor
fingers on the floorboards
toes in the corner
legs arms ears eyes
heart blasted to
the stucco ceiling where
it drips as a constant
reminder that i
have been destroyed

i am a ghost
i am a shadow
you are seriously a hurricane in my soul

god

damn gusts of wind
they don't let
me light my cigarette.
my thumb is going raw
the flame
keeps blowing out,
and it makes
me fucking laugh.
all
i want to do is
feel the menthol in my lungs,
and i can't
stop
laughing
at this silly metaphor for my life.
my eyes are wet
and
the wind blows track marks
across my face.
they eventually dry.
the flame
finally
does its job,
i take one puff and put it out.
i walk inside start a bath make sure the water is warm i get in with my clothes on to smoke a cigarette where there is no wind and where i let my tears blend in with the tub.

i'm just a girl
a normal girl?

all this time i've thought i was a normal girl but now i must know i am not i am made to be alone i have sat in this chair over & over again forced to realize i am not supposed to be loved & my hair is falling out from the explosion that is brewing inside my head i can feel it burn my ears i know i've said this before & it all sounds so familiar but i
am
going
to
explode
ignite the fuse

& i'll go fall asleep in your arms.

i don't want to say any words at all...

do you see the stars that

are falling?

they're falling for us.

because

they know what we dont know.

i blinked so many

times 

these past few days

just to see you

in the darkness

just to hope that maybe you'd actually appear

in that chair

under that window

on that other side.
i must have seen it a million times.

and the stars keep falling because my eyes keep blinking and they want to make sure i dont miss a thing they are reminding me that you are still seeing the same sky and watching the same stars just not near me and if i just stop blinking for a second i could send a message to you on that star so when it falls on the other side of the sky you will see it and know i exist and am waiting for my hand to be held because i need it right now and i dont know where else to go and i keep seeing you right around the corner but its not and 

i am holding back the biggest scream ever known to man.

i thought i was hiding it well

i guess i'm not.

the continual condition.

all up and down the avenues
the people are in pain;
they sleep in pain, they awaken
in pain;
even the buildings are in pain,
the bridges,
the flowers are in pain
and there is nothing
going to
release it,
release us;
pain sits, pain floats, pain
waits;
pain is.

the music is bad
and the love
and the script

in this place now
as i type this

or as you read this
in your place now.


CB.

real.

is there such thing as angels?
cause i think i just found mine.


i believe it's real.

ps; i am a secret here.

shhh...

i drew you a picture

i may show you one day.

you are wonderful.

I WANT TO SEE YOU.

&

my ears are ringing.

and just when i thought i was fine
my heart starts beating fast
and my head gets cloudy
it expands
and i feel like i can't stand up
and this is all in a bad way
these are not the feelings of love
this is pure undying unforgiving unnatural [natural?] feelings
of
something i can't quite put my finger on
is it hate for you, or for me?
is it fear?
is it ever gonna go away?
or is it just going to get worse with time?

but all i want to do is just walk and keep on walking

in time

something will come out of this
something will come out of me and you will be amazed

avalanche. noun. falling large mass; sudden rush of large quantity.

it is a common belief and dream of many, young and old,

that if all we could do was fly

life would be better

but i on the other hand

fly all the time

and my only hope and wish is to land

to experience that ending

to feel the grass in the cracks of my toes

to know that i have made it somewhere

the clouds make me sick

that feeling in my stomach is getting old

to be on the ground

oh... to be on the ground

i have feelings about my head

they are feelings that make me feel like my head isn't a head at all

tricks and twists and flips of the brain

that never make sense

and send me flying

i think it's about time i get a life
i think it's about time i get some friends
i think it's about time for a lot of things...

if i had known that that day would haunt me forever i still would have done what i did because even though your eyes and your cries are burnt like a brand on my brain i had the power for once for once i was bigger and stronger and tougher yet my skin still slices like a knife to the neck when i think of

i feel so sick, so sick to my stomach.

tired & uninspired.

as she walks & sinks with each step into the sand she can see the waves rolling, rolling towards her toes &


!

it's cold very cold it's freezing in fact, it's turning her toes blue & chattering her teeth & raising each hair on her crossed arms. she stands there, looking out across the water letting the cold of the ocean & the heat of the sun mix together to create a comfortable temperature taking a seat on a rock high enough to keep her dry she lights a cigarette & takes a swig from her flask.
the pocket flask; genius.


"i am thinking about you right now & wondering where you are. i send happiness your way every day. in no way do i love you but in every way i hope you are loved. i hope you are loved the way i know i could love you, if such circumstances were attainable. i want to tell you right now that the sun is at its most beautiful state & the ocean is emitting the most calming sound & the wind is creating the most soothing breeze & i wish you could see it hear it feel it with me. it must be so different where you sit, on that other side of the ocean. sometimes i just --




she hears his footsteps slams the book shut tosses the pencil to its demise & takes a glance over her shoulder sure enough there's his smile his gorgeous eyes and he's running towards her she instantly feels her own smile spread across her face runs through the water splashing slipping falling to greet him and soon she's under water it's cold very cold it's freezing in fact & it's turning her whole body blue her throat lungs eyes ears are shrieking freezing filling with water


the flask slipped from her hand the book submerged in sand the words wiped away from the page nothing remained & it all must end this way it all must end in pain it's just the way it is the way i think dream wonder this is all just?