if i had known that that day would haunt me forever i still would have done what i did because even though your eyes and your cries are burnt like a brand on my brain i had the power for once for once i was bigger and stronger and tougher yet my skin still slices like a knife to the neck when i think of

i feel so sick, so sick to my stomach.

tired & uninspired.

as she walks & sinks with each step into the sand she can see the waves rolling, rolling towards her toes &


!

it's cold very cold it's freezing in fact, it's turning her toes blue & chattering her teeth & raising each hair on her crossed arms. she stands there, looking out across the water letting the cold of the ocean & the heat of the sun mix together to create a comfortable temperature taking a seat on a rock high enough to keep her dry she lights a cigarette & takes a swig from her flask.
the pocket flask; genius.


"i am thinking about you right now & wondering where you are. i send happiness your way every day. in no way do i love you but in every way i hope you are loved. i hope you are loved the way i know i could love you, if such circumstances were attainable. i want to tell you right now that the sun is at its most beautiful state & the ocean is emitting the most calming sound & the wind is creating the most soothing breeze & i wish you could see it hear it feel it with me. it must be so different where you sit, on that other side of the ocean. sometimes i just --




she hears his footsteps slams the book shut tosses the pencil to its demise & takes a glance over her shoulder sure enough there's his smile his gorgeous eyes and he's running towards her she instantly feels her own smile spread across her face runs through the water splashing slipping falling to greet him and soon she's under water it's cold very cold it's freezing in fact & it's turning her whole body blue her throat lungs eyes ears are shrieking freezing filling with water


the flask slipped from her hand the book submerged in sand the words wiped away from the page nothing remained & it all must end this way it all must end in pain it's just the way it is the way i think dream wonder this is all just?

i...

i'm miles from where you are,
i lay down on the cold ground

i, i pray that something picks me up
& sets me down in your warm arms

oh how i hate these moods...

i need a good cry.

.

i cant believe this routine
of nothingness
i need to make my life happen
i am getting older every day
i dont know how much longer i can go on
what is happening?
what am i supposed to be doing?
what am i not doing?
ahh

OH LIFE

you continue to abuse me...

a wise man once told me...

"self improvement is a never ending and imperative task."

what matters most is how well you walk through the fire.

it was the summer of burns

not sunburns

the hallways were thin 
the apartment was small and buzzing with wannabe hipsters

the room spun with the toss of my hair 
the sway of my hips and the flick of my ash

squeeze

sucking my belly in pushing myself against the wall 
as if it made a difference to passers by

squished

cigarettes made contact with skin

more specifically, my chin

[this is not a lie just to rhyme it actually happened]

and in this distracted instant

he whispered in my ear

touched my ass

winked

i never forgot that moment

even when it all came crashing down and i screamed his name with hate

even when fists were thrown and voices were raised in accusation

[.................................]

it was the summer of hell

fire

lies

and love

i have the scars to prove it

i

picture you perfect everytime.

everything that rises must converge.

i've been sitting here for days
thinking about the ways
i have hurt you
and the way you'd cry
and i didnt even try
to understand
i numbed myself
with bottles off the shelf
so i'd forget
just to feel it now
just to feel it now
i feel it now


i shouldnt be allowed to feel love

i

feel like digging a hole. i'd like to see how far down i get and maybe i'll dig a really deep hole that i can jump in. just a one person hole. where i'll sit and look up at the circular walls surrounding me spiraling up to the moonlit sky. [i prefer a moonlit sky when describing this type of setting] it will be dark and dingy and muddy but i'll be where i need to be. this is where i think and dream and wonder. this is where i thrive. the hole represents my wanting to be alone. yet the moon represents that i am not, in fact, alone; and that i like it that way. i think i will always like it that way and it confuses me. sometimes i wonder what happened in my childhood to make me need, that, moon, in my sky. 


sometimes i wish i was different.

i

just woke up from a dream.

you were in it.

you were real?

i hate this feeling of knowing.

and not knowing.

and wondering.

and now i miss you,

come back anytime.

i

have been sitting in my room for the past three and a half days, only leaving with layer upon layer of clothing on my body, a scarf around the neck, to smoke the occasional cigarette. i have been staring at the computer screen. i have been staring at words on a page. i have been eating mike & ikes.

jealous?

m. a.

"nolite te bastardes carborundorum."

hah

listography

i like looking back at lists i used to make and feeling happy that nothing in those lists matter to me now.

i'm free

[feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take
reminding us how far we've come
let the pain burn away from our hearts
we have time to start all over again

feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take
reminding us how far we've come
let the pain burn away from our hearts
we have time to start all over again

feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take
reminding us how far we've come
let the pain burn away from our hearts
we have time to start all over again

well if you would shine your love down here oh
make our hearts as perfect as new
oh if you would shine your love down here oh
i promise i'll reflect it right back at you
oh i promise i'll reflect it right back at you
oh i promise we'll reflect it right back at you]




copeland

:]

smile today

is it gonna be like, staring at a black screen?

death is a very real thing
i am old enough to know that by now
but every time it creeps itself
closer to my heart
i get stuck
it's like i am standing there
everyone & everything around me
is spinning
& moving
but i am not
and my throat clenches and i get scared
seriously scared of not being
anymore
& i wonder what people think
when they know they are at that point
that at any second
they will breathe their last breath
& the world will go on
it's just too easy to say
''death doesn't scare me!''
i am not that strong

they show in the movies
an old soul
breathing slowly & painfully
& they say
''i have lived so long that i am now ready, to die.''
it makes me shudder
i don't think i will ever be able to say that
i hate that it scares me
the nothingness