i am holding back the biggest scream ever known to man.

i thought i was hiding it well

i guess i'm not.

the continual condition.

all up and down the avenues
the people are in pain;
they sleep in pain, they awaken
in pain;
even the buildings are in pain,
the bridges,
the flowers are in pain
and there is nothing
going to
release it,
release us;
pain sits, pain floats, pain
waits;
pain is.

the music is bad
and the love
and the script

in this place now
as i type this

or as you read this
in your place now.


CB.

real.

is there such thing as angels?
cause i think i just found mine.


i believe it's real.

ps; i am a secret here.

shhh...

i drew you a picture

i may show you one day.

you are wonderful.

I WANT TO SEE YOU.

&

my ears are ringing.

and just when i thought i was fine
my heart starts beating fast
and my head gets cloudy
it expands
and i feel like i can't stand up
and this is all in a bad way
these are not the feelings of love
this is pure undying unforgiving unnatural [natural?] feelings
of
something i can't quite put my finger on
is it hate for you, or for me?
is it fear?
is it ever gonna go away?
or is it just going to get worse with time?

but all i want to do is just walk and keep on walking

in time

something will come out of this
something will come out of me and you will be amazed

avalanche. noun. falling large mass; sudden rush of large quantity.

it is a common belief and dream of many, young and old,

that if all we could do was fly

life would be better

but i on the other hand

fly all the time

and my only hope and wish is to land

to experience that ending

to feel the grass in the cracks of my toes

to know that i have made it somewhere

the clouds make me sick

that feeling in my stomach is getting old

to be on the ground

oh... to be on the ground

i have feelings about my head

they are feelings that make me feel like my head isn't a head at all

tricks and twists and flips of the brain

that never make sense

and send me flying

i think it's about time i get a life
i think it's about time i get some friends
i think it's about time for a lot of things...

if i had known that that day would haunt me forever i still would have done what i did because even though your eyes and your cries are burnt like a brand on my brain i had the power for once for once i was bigger and stronger and tougher yet my skin still slices like a knife to the neck when i think of

i feel so sick, so sick to my stomach.

tired & uninspired.

as she walks & sinks with each step into the sand she can see the waves rolling, rolling towards her toes &


!

it's cold very cold it's freezing in fact, it's turning her toes blue & chattering her teeth & raising each hair on her crossed arms. she stands there, looking out across the water letting the cold of the ocean & the heat of the sun mix together to create a comfortable temperature taking a seat on a rock high enough to keep her dry she lights a cigarette & takes a swig from her flask.
the pocket flask; genius.


"i am thinking about you right now & wondering where you are. i send happiness your way every day. in no way do i love you but in every way i hope you are loved. i hope you are loved the way i know i could love you, if such circumstances were attainable. i want to tell you right now that the sun is at its most beautiful state & the ocean is emitting the most calming sound & the wind is creating the most soothing breeze & i wish you could see it hear it feel it with me. it must be so different where you sit, on that other side of the ocean. sometimes i just --




she hears his footsteps slams the book shut tosses the pencil to its demise & takes a glance over her shoulder sure enough there's his smile his gorgeous eyes and he's running towards her she instantly feels her own smile spread across her face runs through the water splashing slipping falling to greet him and soon she's under water it's cold very cold it's freezing in fact & it's turning her whole body blue her throat lungs eyes ears are shrieking freezing filling with water


the flask slipped from her hand the book submerged in sand the words wiped away from the page nothing remained & it all must end this way it all must end in pain it's just the way it is the way i think dream wonder this is all just?

i...

i'm miles from where you are,
i lay down on the cold ground

i, i pray that something picks me up
& sets me down in your warm arms

oh how i hate these moods...

i need a good cry.

.

i cant believe this routine
of nothingness
i need to make my life happen
i am getting older every day
i dont know how much longer i can go on
what is happening?
what am i supposed to be doing?
what am i not doing?
ahh

OH LIFE

you continue to abuse me...

a wise man once told me...

"self improvement is a never ending and imperative task."