stupid

live closer.

and there's nothing i can say to erase those days

somewhat scared

somewhat

i am somewhat here, or there, or nowhere. i am somewhat in pain. [physically] i am somewhat scared, and excited. and impatient. and bored. i am somewhat confused? a car just pulled out of my driveway. [notice, the time] note: when i think about the future, all i see are thunderstorms. ripping and shredding everything away. the rain is like a waterfall, and i can't see where i'm going. but i see distance. and it's the kind of distance where you feel tired just looking at it. thinking about getting to the other place takes my breath away. keep talking. i don't sleep or eat or drink the way i should. note: when i see a flying species of any sort i crave attacking them with my camera:



and sometimes this happens. my strap gets in the way. it's unideal, but i deal. i like lattes with my name written on the lid. i like friends who call me and if i don't pick up they leave me a message. because i hate the phone and because they are my friends they know that. i am talking shit right now and i am sorry. i am talking to confidence. i want to see confidence in the face. cause i'm not anything enough right now.



right now, i sort of feel like this. this right here, above this sentence.
and i need to be pulled out.


ps; i started this, three hours ago.

hello, sunshine!

she's an ant. a tiny little microscopic pixel in a world that's over three billion dots per inch. she's walking on a single blade of grass so thin; getting lower and lower as she walks, with a grin, spread onto her face like sunscreen on a child. for protection, of what's unknown, to the skin. and it's the downward slope that scares her. it's the shade that hides her from the sun; the shade that makes protection seem useless. and she'll dig in the dirt, that is microscopic as well [individually of course], just like her. picking up every grain of fibre and tossing it aside, where there's a pile, accumulation, off to the right. soon to be underneath the sole of her foot.
it's there she tramples.


ps; thriftstore romance promos!

past two weeks

the past two weeks?


we went to barrie


had some coffee


did some handstands


went to quebec


stayed at my uncles place


hung out with family


and the boys


saw the band play


visited a church


played with street people


watched some street shows


came home to nice weather


& played with the baby!


so pretty much, i've been really busy the past few weeks...
besides all these things i also graduated! go me.
now it's time to relax in the sun and hang out with good people and work at chapters,
it should be a good summer!
& i'm looking forward to learning new things and seeing new places and meeting new people.
give me a call!

xo,
nicole.

ps; it's my little brothers bday today.

leaves

what's in the sky?

leave the ashes on
till you watch them fall
at your feet

listen to the gasoline drip
and the animals crawl
at your feet

and you let your words
trail out of your mouth
with the smoke you just inhaled

you converse with the leaves
about the past twelve months
and the relationships you've failed

let the night go by
watch the moon as it fades
and don't cry

the seasons are changing
and the sun's coming up
in the sky

and you feel your thoughts
drift off with the moon
blow all the ashes away

forget conversing with leaves
and open up your eyes
tell the sky what you have to say

by: me.

nothing

pigoon!

SO, i have nothing very special to say. except that i made this new design and i like it. i am also going to post about... four pictures. just because i WANT to! and just for an update:

tori and i at prom

aaron can fly!

me, by aaron

one of my recent new favorites of mine

i am currently trying to pass highschool
it might be working out okay...
i still work at my lovely bookstore
i enjoy long car rides with the windows down
i am currently reading Oryx & Crake, READ IT
if you haven't yet seen Amelie, watch it this weekend
i am still waiting on college application results
i hate waking up early
i can't wait for school to be over!!
i have blisters on my heels from my new shoes,

and THAT, my friends, is all.
till next time...

xo

wknd

so prom weekend was really fun!

i posted pictures on my msnspace because there's

so many...

click here and you should be able to see them

regardless if you're on my list or not.

they are adorable, & i can't believe it's over already.

thanks for everyone who made it an awesome time!

i'm going to miss this year,

maybe...

peace&love

grounds

will you say when i'm gone away
"my lover came to me and we'd lay
in rooms unfamiliar but until now" "

...

will you say to me when i'm gone
"your face has faded but lingers on
because light strikes a deal
with each coming night"

-Iron&Wine.

dudes

i'm indestructible.



PS; the band site is UPDATED

!!

and all the way home held my camera like a bible
just wishing so bad that it held some kind of truth

yeah, they go wild.

old/new/random/never posted

for fun!

[ old/new/random/neverposted. ]

<3,
me!

things i did this week:

went downtown in the rain



got two new pairs of shoes
went downtown again in the sun
got on Much On Demand



got a tattoo







saw underneath Leah from Much's dress
she was embarassed haha
met a cool black girl that stalks VJ's
experienced Ray J
got bit by a squirrel



opar craziness
skipped last period
decided to become a magician



that's my magic wand ^^
drove, alot
walked from my home to newmarket



made our own rap song



amar took us home
had our own little concert downstairs



danced
experienced turrets



saw Rocket Summer
DANCED AGAIN
didn't see josh :(



got lost downtown but made it through...
slept in till one thirty this afternoon


all in all it was a real fun week/weekend!
thanks to all who made it awesome, i love you.

deciding again again

write it in ink, yea.

i'm thinking i'm gonna write a book one day. i don't think i want anyone to understand it. i think it's gonna be about my dreams or the lack of them. i don't think anyone will understand it.
we're gonna lie on top of a big grassy hill with nothing surrounding us but stars. [sometimes i think the stars are cameras and when we think we are looking at them, they are actually looking at us, and capturing our every move.] we talk about how the stars are acutally cameras. we talk about how there are speakers in the tree's leaves and they are whispering a kajillion things out to us. so many things we can't even think of one. [but the whispers are kind of like dreams, we'll remember them eventually.] we talk about how when you connect this star to these ones it makes a pretty shape. sometimes you say certain things and i can't look at you in the face. but when i don't look at you in the face and at the ground instead i still see your eyes. [they are with me everywhere.] it's times like these when we're together that all i can think about is sleeping. not because you're boring [you are far from that.] but because i'm curious to see what kind of dreams we can conjure up when we sleep with our heads next to each other. the possibilities are endless? i'd like to think so. it's also times like these when our dreams and our words and our thoughts create an expanse so vast above us that we are stuck inside but not claustrophic.

oh, and i like her.

deciding again

it's never ending;

yep.

i've decided that even if you don't know who you are, i know who you are. and that's what makes us special. at night i dream that we're walking down the road and all we see are dotted yellow lines going straight straight straight in front of us and we follow them. i only see two at a time so i never know where i'm going; i don't know how much you see. maybe you see four or five? it doesn't really matter. but once we walk mile by mile we get to a tree with no leaves. its branches stretch up high into the sky [everything is high up in the air with us, in so many ways it makes sense.] so we climb the tree. barefoot. but everytime we get to the end of a branch it's a new ground. so we keep climbing [i'm not very good at climbing trees, i have scratches all up my knees, and you save me from falling three times.] i'm determined to find a branch that ends in the clouds. one day i will tell you when i find it and we'll go there. and this, it's never ending. it is a recurring dream. and we all know what they say about recurring dreams.

and i know this will come true eventually cause it all happens in a dream. this morning when i saw you and i walked by and you winked at me and all i could let out was a tiny little smile; i already knew it was going to happen. we all know; we're just not smart enough to remember. [which reminds me, of the fact, that no matter how much we sleep, we'll never see our life our in full. we'll never see our death. wich reminds me, of the fact, that when i die, i hope i know i'm going to die, how much better would that be?] but i'm not talking about death because we are so much in the beginning, do me a favor, and dream about it; and write it down.

deciding

dear diary?

i've decided that i want to be in the sahara desert. not in, exactly. but floating high up in the sky in a hot air balloon so the sand doesnt burn our toes. this is with you, of course. everything is with you. the running away to an enchanted forest [us being there, of course, is what makes it enchanting.] the building of the tree house that will never fall down -- no matter how windy it gets. the discovery of all the fears we never knew we had. the scaling up mountains just to tear up our lungs from screaming out our secrets to the clouds. [we can almost touch them, that's how high we are. and our secrets float right through them, making their way to the ground like rain.] the drawers full of notes that we write to each other even though we're together all the time. the sunburns the mosquito bites the scabs that turn to scars on our skin. the sahara desert. everything is with you. i've decided that's what i want to do.
and on another note: everything is a dream that came true. you know you can't deny it. even when you think you are sleeping in nothing other than darkness, your future is playing out its course inside your head. everytime i see you it's another deja vous. [what a strange sensation that is.] and you don't even know who you are.

fun days!

Dear Diary;

yesterday my bff erin and i had a really fun camera adventure! we went to a graveyard, grassy green hills, a railroad track, and a junk yard where there was a huge empty tour bus AND a boat! it was so fun and we almost got HIT by the train. but i saved the day, of course.
anyways,
seeing how i said it was a camera adventure, heres some pictures to prove it.
i'll ttyl diary,

Love,
nicole.

rememberme&;

dear Newmarket; i'm sick of being pretty.

my car was parked across the street
and i walked around in circles
big circles around the town.
cause the sky was so damn blue i couldn't help but stare
and the night was so damn warm i could have sworn
that the air,
was from somewhere nice like California
somewhere far like California.

and as i walked i could feel in my chest,
the speed of my breathing
getting faster
and it hurt.

people stared.

it's like my eyes are screaming;
come and pick me up.
it's like my lips are screaming;
come and pick me up.
it's like my face is screaming;
come and pick me up.

but they arent.

i close the curtain to the place behind my eyes
where i reside
and my feet, they stumble off the curb.
and the cars pass so damn fast i swear i could feel them
pushing me back.
this is me in Newmarket,
nothing close to California,
and as i walk back to my car my heart slows down,

disease

not dieing from disease.

the opposite of war isn't peace,

it's CREATION.

it's sunny and breezy and they're cooking hamburgers out of the back of their pick-up truck in the middle of our school parking lot at ten thirty in the morning? yes, yes it's true; it's almost April. driving down the highway with all my windows half way down singing "take me for what I A-A-AM..!" is the one time i don't mind wind blowing in my hair. mess it up for all i care. it feels good! and it's time to go get some coffee...

us

we are so cool because we are sober and still have fun?
thanks.

bands

hey guys,
imwiththebands is updated.

hello kelly & thriftstore romance,
check it out.

love,
me;

pfft

blank page?

i'm sitting in the windowsill
and i, i get inspired by
every single gust of wind,
and every single speck of dirt
blown into my eyes:
to jump.

and when the rain comes
i wont know what to do,
i'll see your face in every raindrop, babe
and i, i'll want to follow you
down... down into the dirty ground.

it's dark and i am warm
with ashes floating up into the air
and when they land onto my shoulder,
i can smell the scent of your hair.
and i, i flick them off
and i, i do not jump;

cause babe i'm comin back inside,
i know you'll be here soon.

boo

i feel like it's summer
& i should be shopping
& drinking iced coffees & sleeping in.

& not have school lurking in the back
of my mind like a thirsty predator
seeking food!

it's like i have a devil on each shoulder
screaming at me to:
NOT DO MY WORK?

"we celebrate the sense of each other,
we have alot to give one another."

picturesbirfday

so this is my life;

this past week has been the funnest week since... i dunno, maybe last week? haha all i know is that it was EXTREMELY good times! although i am sick, it still didnt stop me from having an awesome week and an even awesomer birthday weekend!

friday night!

saterday and sunday night!

i usually like to agree with the cheesy quote, "a picture says a thousand words."
but really, for these past few days, it isnt true. there may be hundreds of pictures to prove for its awesomeness, but i could never explain how funny/amazing it really was. i'm happy!

the end.

loveNICOLE.

me

BIRTHDAY!!

so;

there will always be favorites.
i think it's impossible to be fair.
and life will never go the way we want it to.
is there always another side to the story?
can we blame our madness on heredity?
i think i believe in fate;
i think we should think like children.