i am waiting for my headache to go away
it's been around
for three days now

i am waiting for beer to get here
my throats been dry since last saturday night

i am waiting for that feeling that i get
in my tummy
when my lips touch someone else's for the first time

i am waiting for money
to appear in my pocket
so i can get away and
spend it on cigarettes and
more beer

i am waiting to be seen in a light that is not tainted
i am waiting to be invisible
and i am waiting to grow up
and i am waiting for the day where i can look at my ribcage
and not want to cut it up
and i am waiting for the day i can stop feeling so bad
so bad
i am waiting and waiting
to waste away

i am home alone in this strange house and i am waiting for someone to come home. and as i pace i pretend it's you, coming home, to me. and that this is our house. i sit down on the couch, put my feet up. stare at the door. i stand, pace, walk to the kitchen. sit down, stand up. look out the window. it is so hot. and i pace the bare halls in my underwear. i sit once more and try to be so still thinking it will cool me down but i feel a layer of sweat form in and around my body. slowly a drip falls, trickles down my arm, i close my eyes and it's your finger, tracing me down to my elbow. and now you're on my neck, and my thigh. i open my eyes and see that it's just sweat, and that this is not our house. and you will not be walking through the front door.
i am so hot.
i walk to the fridge, there is no beer. i walk to the bedroom, you are not there. you are nowhere. so i sit and daydream of the day where you will walk in the front door, cold six pack in hand, smile, strip down to your underwear, sit, and sweat with me.

scar

[skahr]
-noun
1. a mark left by a healed wound, sore, or burn.
2. a lasting aftereffect of trouble, esp. a lasting psychological injury resulting from suffering or trauma.
3. any blemish remaining as a trace of or resulting from injury or use.
4. botany. a mark indicating a former point of attachment, as where a leaf has fallen from a stem.

i cant write no poem right
now
all i see is a blur
and a
light
shooting form the screen in front
and i dont even know what to
say
but i know i have to say
something
but thi sisnt gonna rhyme
and it sure
aint gononna
make no sense
but i know
i gotta do it
just to know
i tried?????

ugh

i don't quite know
how to say
how i feel
those three words
are said too much
they're not enough
if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me
and just forget the world?


snowpatrol.

hot water

i get up & sit in
the empty bathtub
the dry white acrylic feels cold &
hard on my bones
the pressure points
tailbone spine elbows
the heels of my feet
all in contact

i turn on the tap &
as i do i think of
you
your body
as the hot water
creeps down the borders towards me

it's sparks of heat
slowly outlining the
frame of my bare legs
i feel it
filling in the empty spaces
i'm surrounded
it's hot
& soon i bend my knees
& sink down
into you
until i am completely
submerged
all goes quiet
all goes still

it is the best comfort i know

the only thing i could do was fall.

i really wasn't breathing easy.

i actually felt pain,

physical

pain,

in my chest.

and i sat there

with my head down on my desk,

and the second i closed my eyes i saw it all.

all of it;

the room, the sheets, the books, the empty cups,

the ashtrays.

the rays of light,

coming in on a slant through the window

exposing the dust in the air,

exposing me.

my chest wont stop pounding,

i've been walking around all night

with shaking feet.

i've never been this lost,

i've never fallen this far,

for you my skin is see-through.

haha, yep.

feelin' the burn...

... it's been a while.

i dont have to update my blog anymore cause now... well now i just talk to you instead.

i

can't express how i feel either.

and i cry...

i feel like there is this mountain and it is sitting right in front of me and no matter where i turn it seems to follow my horizon and the mountain is fucking huge i'm talking millions of kilometers high and wide and it has been in front of me as long as i can remember but i have never thought of climbing it before and it's like now i think of climbing the damn thing to see what's on the other side and the second i decide to clamber myself up this mound of rock and dirt it's like it knows me and what i am thinking so it starts to shake and shake until i fall and it never lets me climb past two feet and all i want to fucking do is see what's on the other side of this godforsaken mountain and i could swear i see a speck of something at the very very very top and it looks like someone sitting there waiting and it kinda looks like you is it you?

how did you get there?

sometimes others say it best.

This is surrender
To a war-torn life I've lived.
Scars and stripes forever
In need of change I can't resist.


No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.


I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.


This long of a struggle
Finally opened up my eyes.
Revolution's not easy
With a Civil War on the inside.


No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.


I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
'Cause I realize.


I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.


I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
'Cause I realize.


I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.


I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.

so,

this one time
i was in the masai mara
and everything was still.
not a blade of grass shook,
not a bird flew,
and i stared at the horizon ahead.
miles and miles and miles and miles of sand, grass, dirt;
the sun was above me
and straight ahead it was black.

a drip of sweat rolled into
my eye.
i blink and it stings,
i barely breathe,
i blink again.

can you picture it?

i open my eyes,
and the thundering blackness was suddenly upon me and my sweat washed away and mixed with the rain and the sand rose up to greet my face and it was loud and messy and blinding and all the birds flocked to the sky with a whip of their wings and the sound, the sound was so hard, and the antelope darted towards the trees the branches cracked with the weight of the wind.
and i closed my eyes and felt the entire power of god upon me.
but i still don't believe.

895km

i have been destroyed
i am all over the
walls
my finger twitches
a consistent
tap
i can hear it from
the ceiling

no
but for real
i walk and
i talk
i drive my car
i sing along to
the radio
i smoke my cigarettes
i read
i smile and
laugh and
sit and cry
i eat and brush my teeth
i
kiss
his
lips

ya
but for real
i dont know how i do these
things
i am all over the walls
tapping
twitching
dripping

picture this
hair
strewn across the
floor
fingers on the floorboards
toes in the corner
legs arms ears eyes
heart blasted to
the stucco ceiling where
it drips as a constant
reminder that i
have been destroyed

i am a ghost
i am a shadow
you are seriously a hurricane in my soul

god

damn gusts of wind
they don't let
me light my cigarette.
my thumb is going raw
the flame
keeps blowing out,
and it makes
me fucking laugh.
all
i want to do is
feel the menthol in my lungs,
and i can't
stop
laughing
at this silly metaphor for my life.
my eyes are wet
and
the wind blows track marks
across my face.
they eventually dry.
the flame
finally
does its job,
i take one puff and put it out.
i walk inside start a bath make sure the water is warm i get in with my clothes on to smoke a cigarette where there is no wind and where i let my tears blend in with the tub.

i'm just a girl
a normal girl?

all this time i've thought i was a normal girl but now i must know i am not i am made to be alone i have sat in this chair over & over again forced to realize i am not supposed to be loved & my hair is falling out from the explosion that is brewing inside my head i can feel it burn my ears i know i've said this before & it all sounds so familiar but i
am
going
to
explode
ignite the fuse

& i'll go fall asleep in your arms.

i don't want to say any words at all...

do you see the stars that

are falling?

they're falling for us.

because

they know what we dont know.

i blinked so many

times 

these past few days

just to see you

in the darkness

just to hope that maybe you'd actually appear

in that chair

under that window

on that other side.
i must have seen it a million times.

and the stars keep falling because my eyes keep blinking and they want to make sure i dont miss a thing they are reminding me that you are still seeing the same sky and watching the same stars just not near me and if i just stop blinking for a second i could send a message to you on that star so when it falls on the other side of the sky you will see it and know i exist and am waiting for my hand to be held because i need it right now and i dont know where else to go and i keep seeing you right around the corner but its not and